New DVD - Deadbeat Hero

NEW DVD "Deadbeat Hero"

The new DVD/CD "Deadbeat Hero" is available right here - right now. It runs an hour and fifteen minutes as well as the bonus footage including horrifying footage of my first few mullet-bearing months in comedy - footage so embarrassing that I couldn't watch it without a lot of drinks and a puke bucket. So why include it? I figured I owed it to all the open micers that I told they sucked.

We filmed it in Seattle at the Comedy Underground in April and there's a CD of the show along with the DVD.

Buy it here and spread it around.

I took July off mostly but I'll be updating shortly about last week in Alaska and this week with Andrist in Alabama. If we don't get a story here - with a convention of Freemasons in the hotel - well, we're just not trying.

Fuck Verizon

Sometimes these cocksuckers just push you too far. Verizon DSL has shut me down for no apparent reason three times this year. One day you have no DSL anymore. You call the tech-flunkies and they keep you on hold, burning up cell minutes and growing brain tumors while they do some testing.

Then they tell you there doesn't seem to be anything wrong but they will do more testing and to call back. After three days of this shit and being switched from moron to moron, jumping though hoops like a circus monkey.

Finally they find that it's a billing problem and that your account has been shut down for no logical reason. The bills have been paid on time. Can't see a reason they shut it off. We'll get it back up in a week.

Then - a month later - it happens again and the process starts over.

Some people just sit there and take it. But sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands.

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Verizon was given fair warning and chose not to listen. And they faced the consequences.

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I am now with Comcast cable. Hopefully they will take notice and treat me with the respect I deserve.

                            ~Stanhope

:: UPDATE ::

:: The Longest Day of the Year :: The Man Show is dead and the grieving process was shorter than an average commercial break. The worst of it came Saturday night at a tittie bar in Columbus, where I was hired to judge a local whore competition. One can get these high-honor gigs by being on The Man Show. "What exactly do you want me to do?" "Ah, I thought maybe you could go out and welcome people out and then I thought maybe we can have a beer chugging competition. Then you can bring out the girls. After that, you can pretty much hang out until the end of the night until we judge the competition."

So the evening went. I sat in a booth for three hours with a cordless mic, drinking and randomly bagging on chicks. They had a feature dancer - Chantz Fortune. A "porn star". Ever heard of her? Didn't think so, but then again, she probably never heard of me either. Chantz's show was a unique blend of tittie-bar-standard and Hattiesburg midway carnie act. She closed by holding a dirty cup in between her oversized cans and - as the stage slowly turned 360's - she let the audience throw crumpled dollar bills at her. Step right up, young man. Get a buck in the cup and win a prize. Maybe a DVD or a color 8x10 of her terrifying vagina. Fairly clever, I thought.

She also did a floor show involving pouring hot candle wax onto her tongue. I said from the off-stage mic that the candle was made from her bikini waxings and that it was "Auschwitz-Scented". It may have been someone elses joke. It sounded familiar when I said it. Maybe Becker's, I don't know. And slumped in a booth at a half-empty tit-hole at 1:30 in the morning with nobody listening, I could give a fuck if it was Johnny Carson's signiture bit.

But apparently she was listening and she came unglued. Backstage, she demanded an apology. Because she is Jewish.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you were a survivor."

This didn't help. She said that she was so upset she could barely continue with her show. She seriously said that. So offended she almost stopped letting strange men huck crumpled money at her tits.

Usually I fall into the trap of trying to explain to someone like this why they are an idiot. But not tonite. Tonite I just wanted to get paid in cash and drink until tonite doesn't even register on the calendar of shit that I've done.

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In the meantime, there's new dates on the schedule. Make sure you've signed up on the mailing list so I can let you know when I'm coming to your town.

I tried to take all of July off but Vegas and Alaska, well, that's more vacation than road work. So I'll be at The Palms on Saturday, July 3rd and at Koots in Anchorage July 30-31. Otherwise, July is going to be spent in hiding - writing and resting the liver for the autumn beating. The new DVD/CD "Deadbeat Hero" will be out August 24th and it looks really good. For bonus footage, I threw in a montage of my first year in comedy, including one of my first times on stage. It's really, really bad. Fucking horrifyingly bad. Downright embarrassing. Why did I add it in? I figured I owed it to all the open micers who I told they sucked when I was drunk. Now we're even. You can get the other CD's here.

~DOUG