:: UPDATE ::

:: The Longest Day of the Year :: The Man Show is dead and the grieving process was shorter than an average commercial break. The worst of it came Saturday night at a tittie bar in Columbus, where I was hired to judge a local whore competition. One can get these high-honor gigs by being on The Man Show. "What exactly do you want me to do?" "Ah, I thought maybe you could go out and welcome people out and then I thought maybe we can have a beer chugging competition. Then you can bring out the girls. After that, you can pretty much hang out until the end of the night until we judge the competition."

So the evening went. I sat in a booth for three hours with a cordless mic, drinking and randomly bagging on chicks. They had a feature dancer - Chantz Fortune. A "porn star". Ever heard of her? Didn't think so, but then again, she probably never heard of me either. Chantz's show was a unique blend of tittie-bar-standard and Hattiesburg midway carnie act. She closed by holding a dirty cup in between her oversized cans and - as the stage slowly turned 360's - she let the audience throw crumpled dollar bills at her. Step right up, young man. Get a buck in the cup and win a prize. Maybe a DVD or a color 8x10 of her terrifying vagina. Fairly clever, I thought.

She also did a floor show involving pouring hot candle wax onto her tongue. I said from the off-stage mic that the candle was made from her bikini waxings and that it was "Auschwitz-Scented". It may have been someone elses joke. It sounded familiar when I said it. Maybe Becker's, I don't know. And slumped in a booth at a half-empty tit-hole at 1:30 in the morning with nobody listening, I could give a fuck if it was Johnny Carson's signiture bit.

But apparently she was listening and she came unglued. Backstage, she demanded an apology. Because she is Jewish.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you were a survivor."

This didn't help. She said that she was so upset she could barely continue with her show. She seriously said that. So offended she almost stopped letting strange men huck crumpled money at her tits.

Usually I fall into the trap of trying to explain to someone like this why they are an idiot. But not tonite. Tonite I just wanted to get paid in cash and drink until tonite doesn't even register on the calendar of shit that I've done.

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In the meantime, there's new dates on the schedule. Make sure you've signed up on the mailing list so I can let you know when I'm coming to your town.

I tried to take all of July off but Vegas and Alaska, well, that's more vacation than road work. So I'll be at The Palms on Saturday, July 3rd and at Koots in Anchorage July 30-31. Otherwise, July is going to be spent in hiding - writing and resting the liver for the autumn beating. The new DVD/CD "Deadbeat Hero" will be out August 24th and it looks really good. For bonus footage, I threw in a montage of my first year in comedy, including one of my first times on stage. It's really, really bad. Fucking horrifyingly bad. Downright embarrassing. Why did I add it in? I figured I owed it to all the open micers who I told they sucked when I was drunk. Now we're even. You can get the other CD's here.

~DOUG