The Vote

If you watched the debates then you are probably like me - a lonely and bitter person who follows the state of the world as a lofty and noble-sounding escape from the tedium of everyday life. Just another sport to armchair quarterback on Tuesday thru Saturday.

You also may have noticed in the debates that we are all about to be fucked, the only differences are slight options in what position you get to be in when you are penetrated by the Iron Sausage. Kerry will give you a soft pillow to arch your ass up while Bush may yank your hair a bit to make it feel a bit more violent and a little less gay.

Here's how America will vote.

Idiots will vote for George W Bush.

Idiots who think they are smart will vote for John Kerry.

I am voting for the Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik. And so would most people if they believe in all the rhetoric they spout about freedom and the "American Way".

Or if they simply knew about him.

Well who is this guy? Did he ever fingerbang his babysitter? Could have. Did he smoke pot? Dunno. Did he go to Vietnam? Who gives a shit. Are his daughters fuckable? Haven't seen a picture.

But his ideas make sense, which seems to be the last thing the voting public care about in an election.

Allow me to cut out some sound bites from his site into short-attention span easy reading for you.

Iraq - The War in Iraq is a failure, and the U.S. government should never have waged it. As your president, one of my first tasks will be to begin the orderly process of bringing our troops home as quickly as can safely be accomplished. First, allow me to dispel a myth. People in the Middle East do not hate us for our freedom. They do not hate us for our lifestyle. They hate us because we have spent many years attempting to force them to emulate our lifestyle. It was because of American troops in Saudi Arabia, lethal sanctions on Iraq, support for states in serious violation of International Law, and siding with Israel in its dispute with the Palestinians to the tune of more than $3 billion per year in taxpayers' funds that terrorist leaders were able to recruit those individuals who caused 3,000 Americans to pay the ultimate price on September 11, 2001. The U.S. government has never succeeded in establishing freedom and democracy in any of its foreign adventures in the last fifty years. Freedom and democracy are blessings any people must establish for themselves. Here at home, war leads to a decline in civil liberties, higher taxes, and wartime economic measures that blur the line between business and state, allowing politically favored corporations to profit at the expense of taxpayers. In short, a libertarian foreign policy is one of national defense, and not international offense. It would protect our country, not police the world. The Draft - Coerced military conscription also known as the draft is perhaps the single most anti-freedom action governments regularly take against their own citizens. If a free America were ever subjected to attack, most Americans would be more than willing to defend themselves, their homes, and their families against the foreign aggressors. The very fact that too few Americans are volunteering to fight the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan illustrates that too few Americans view the actions being taken by our government as integral to the preservation of our freedoms. Economy - Excess regulation and government spending destroy jobs and increase unemployment. Every regulator we fire results in the creation of over 150 new jobs, enough to hire the ex-regulator, the unemployed, and the able-bodied poor. Have you lost your job to downsizing or corporate mergers? Are you fearful that you might? If so, you won't want to vote for the Democrats or Republicans this November. Establishment politicians think that larger, more elaborate government jobs programs are the solution to your problems. However, since these programs must be funded by taking money from the private sector, even more jobs are destroyed-more jobs than the government programs can ever create. More government regulation and spending translate to more unemployment and less wealth creation. Less wealth creation means fewer goods and services, less health care, higher prices. We know how to reverse the process; we've done it before. If you elect me as your president, I promise to downsize government instead of your job! Civil Liberties - The erosion of our civil liberties since 9/11 does not represent a new phenomenon. It represents an acceleration of long-existing trends. As president, my goal will be to to reverse those trends and to restore, respect and enforce the Bill of Rights. In crafting the Bill of Rights, the framers were careful to acknowledge implicitly and explicitly two key truths: The first is that government does not grant rights it acknowledges them. They exist independently of government. They're part of who and what we are. And, as Jefferson noted in the Declaration of Independence, the only legitimate function of government is to secure them. The second is that government is a servant to whom we delegate powers, not a master who dispenses privileges. The Constitution carefully enumerates the powers we, the people, delegate to our government and it specifically denies that government any powers not so delegated. Our rights lie beyond the pale of that delegation. They are sacrosanct. Any government which infringes upon them is engaged in an intolerable usurpation. Crim

Tommy T's

So I haven't been updating. I've been bored or boring or otherwise put out. I think I may be moving to Costa Rica to shake things up. That means one of you will have to be responsible for Mother.

---

Tommy T's in Concord is part comedy club, part dance club and the last part country/western bar. I don't know which part is responsible for the partons being patted down at the door. Maybe it's the combination - maybe they don't fraternize with each other so good. I am scared of black people for the same reason I am scared of any sort of people that can tell I am different just by looking. The good people in any faction account for only a terrified minority and don't consider their membership to be anything other than trivial detail. The prevailing numbers are rapists and tailgaters that will huddle in the comfort of a group mindset using whatever common denominator as a thru-line to the largest army.

We are gay or Brazilian or Marines or Aryan or Mothers Against Having Fun. We are not alone. We are many in numbers and armed with a slogan and a bumpersticker.

This why I am generally a-scared of black folk. I assume that they don't like me because they assume I don't like them because they, like me, are betting with the odds that most people are shitheads.

If all Texans were gray in color, I would always be scared to play Houston. Leon Jackson was very drunk at Tommy T's and the door people let him know as much when they politely put him out on the street. Poor Leon. He tried to plead his case but was unable to speak and stand at the same time. Leon is black but I didn't see him as a black person. I saw him as a stumbling drunk without a friend in the world. I saw him as one of my group. He was crawling out of the dumpster when I met him. The largest of the door army had gently tossed him in there when he wouldn't shut up and leave. So I gave him a slice of pizza and took over where the bouncers left off - trying to understand one of the thousands of unintelligible words dropping out of his mouth. But rather than convince him to go on his way, I just gave him the energy to go back to the club for another round. He called my friends white motherfuckers and gave me the out by saying I was a cool white motherfucker and that made me feel cool. Something always makes me feel extra cool when I black person likes me, even if they are retarded drunk and casting aspersions on my peers. Insulting someone for being white rarely gets any response but a laugh. Like insulting someone for being a cop or a lawyer or for being too thin. But Leon just got carried away with himself after the kindness we showed him and went back after the largest doorguy - who calmly put him back over his shoulder took him across the parking lot and set him back in the dumpster where Leon fell right to sleep and dreamed the dreams of angels.

---

Word is that the new DVD/CD is at Best Buy. If you are ever there, tear one open and put it in one of their players at top volume. I think its only stealing if you leave the store with it. Otherwise you claim to have been trying it on like you would shoes. But if you're gonna buy it, buy it HERE so I may possibly see a profit. Then burn it off and spread it around to your broke friends.

Or burn it off and leave it plaing loudly at any Best Buy or Circuit City, etc. Thats gonna be my new guerilla marketing campaign. Let me know on the message board if you actually do this.

---

Did you sign the mailing list? The big drawing is December 30th. The prize may be getting bigger.

---

Scotland again made comedy appear to be an artform. Which only makes it harder to come back here to perform. I could be making balloon animals for the autistic. Why not move to the UK? Because it's dreary and dank and miserable with a constant sense of impending doom and I was only there when it was nice out. If comedy were still more important to me than enjoying my life, I'd be there in a minute. But there's no reason you can't come down to Costa Rica and find me. I'll tell you some jokes over cold beer and 80 degree winter nights for pennies on the dollar. A million thanks to Brian Hennigan who plays the UK press like a puppet government and makes me calm in Scotland by always being manic and at the edge of the cliff. I - like you - don't like fun either.         ~Doug

Lake Tahoe

I can see people parasailing on Lake Tahoe from my hotel room window. I've always wanted to try that - me being a fan of any pastime that requires no physical strengh or dexterity - but so far I haven't been able to make it farther than the Let It Ride table. I don't even say the number out loud anymore. The pedestrian loser will constantly quote the amount that he's down but when you get to the point of needing the whole dangling carrot just to break even, you just shut up and stare into the distance. "It's only money." Miller Lite tells me with quiet confidence. You can't take it with you but you can't get anymore out of the ATM til midnite. Tahoe sits some 60 miles away and above the meth-lab haze of Reno and is evidently quite beautiful but to me it just looks like a 2, 5 and Jack, off-suit.

I am supposed to be getting my shit together for the Fringe Festival in Scotland next week but attempting to do Fringe-friendly material here would be like feeding apples to goldfish. Keep it non-threatening and predictable and make your parasailing money for tomorrow. Or double down and maybe go parasailing twice.

---

Rules don't apply in Alaska and Becker and I didn't feel like doing the same old stand-up show again. One idea leads to another and then the grift is on. Let's tell em were filming an episode of The Man Show completely uncensored. Sure, it had been cancelled for months but this is Alaska. They don't know and they don't want to know. They are willing marks, pull-tab dreamers like the gold rush hordes that came here before them. Craig Gass comes here and does morning radio as the people he imitates. Craig does Adam Sandler saying he is in town to see Craig Gass. He is Christopher Walken - in town to see his good friend Craig Gass down at Koots. The place sells out, everyone listening to Craig Gass but looking over their shoulder for Adam and Chris.

And they fall for it every time.

So we make it up as we go. Take old Man Show bits, add some tittie dancers and abuse the willing for a night of good fun. 'Make Me Hard' with strippers half-raping naked midgets under thin sheets, trying to make them sprout a tent. 'Snatch Match', where a blindfolded contestant must use his olfactory senses to distinguish between a vagina and an old tuna sandwich. A rip-off of 'Wheel of Destiny' in which there is really no way to win.

A mother and son are deep-throating either end of a double-donger for a prize of 10 dollars per inch. This may not be high art but I am having fun again. No message, no anger, just horribly juvenile fun. That's why I come to Alaska but by the time I get here I've usually been yelling for so long, I got nothing else to say.

Renee takes over as producer and somehow puts together in two days what a crew of 30 did on the Man Show with less fuck-ups. I was the only one to fuck up.

Backstage with Renee - Doug: "Motherfucker." Renee: "What's wrong?" Doug: "I completely forgot to spray the stink bomb on the stripper's pussy." Renee: "It doesn't matter." Doug: "It fucked up the whole gag." Renee: "Don't worry about it. Just make sure that Midget Dave is in the bondage gear before you bring up the next contestant." Doug: "Thanks. I love you."

Girls are bobbing for buttplugs in pancake batter. Guys are eating pie made of gefiltefish and Crisco and 100 other terrible things. The pies are strategically placed between strippers legs and the show has been strategically and successfully scheduled to end with one contestant gracefully vomiting into the pie pan, scraping out the larger portion of gak onto the floor and continuing to eat as though there were any really prize other than being part of the show.

Vomit-splattered and grease-smeared tittie dancers are asking when this will be on Showtime, a rumor being fueled by the owner. "We don't know." Maybe I'm a prick for raising false hopes but then again, I doubt any girl ever looked back ten years later upset that her Girls Gone Wild cameo never made the final cut.

There is footage, that's for sure. Maybe we'll put it out on the internet or use it as bonus footage on the next DVD. Or combine it with the tape of last Friday nights' Alex Jones-inspired near-riot in Austin. That's another story altogether but I got no time to tell it. Until we put the tape out, it's probably better to hear it from someone who wasn't in the middle of it. Check the www.sacredcow.com message board for more.

---

Did you sign the mailing list and get the new DVD?      ~Stanhope