If You Can't Beat Em, Fuck Em.

The Red Sox have won, Bush has been re-elected and Scott Peterson has been found guilty. You'd imagine that CNN would collapse like a black hole after the post-game wrap-ups. Don't you worry, son. There is "Breaking News" right around the corner. Some new persons life or epic struggle for us to live vicariously through so we don't have to notice how pointless our own existences are.

I was depressed about the Bush re-election for about 9 hours. Then I sat down at the Ale House in Chicago before the show to swill down some 12 ounce bottles of false enthusiasm. The bartender is one of those fake-cranky people - old before her time - who probably pre-dates the bar. They just saw her on that empty lot one day and built the bar around her character. The regulars have long since stopped paying attention to the election coverage and now listen to the bartender complain about tips and waitresses who change shifts without letting her know and Bill who was supposed to pick up some shit in the basement and still hasn't come with the pick-up truck to get it.

And it reminded me that - for most of us - it doesn't matter at all who makes it to the White House. John Kerry wasn't going to get Bill off his ass to get that shit out of the basement any faster than Bush or even Nader. Nor would they help you find a babysitter that won't raid your liquor cabinet or get your girlfriend to let you fuck her up the ass.

Keep in mind, at the end of the day you only have yourself to rely on and only yourself to blame. You are now and always have been The President. Only you know the problems that face your country and you have to figure out how to overcome them. Paying too much in taxes? It's up to you to figure out better ways to fuck them out of the money. Don't like the education your kid is getting? Teach em yourself. Worried about getting sent to Iraq? Smoke a joint, fail the piss test or suck a dick in public.

The world is always going to suck and you will always be out-numbered by assholes. Just because some assholes are the self-described "people in power" doesn't mean they are any diiferent than the civilian assholes you have to dodge on a daily basis. A cop is no different than the angry bouncer you avoid when you're trying to get blown in a nightclub toilet. The IRS is the same as the raccoon that eats your garbage. You just have to make it harder for them to get to your shit.

So stop worrying about who claims to be in charge and start putting your own policies into effect. Begin Operation Fuck The System. The next revolution will come from the inside out. Protesting in the street is for the young and those lacking in imagination. There are more people than you think who understand that it's all fucked. Unfortunately the majority of them are already to deep into the system to fall out of it. You have kids and mortgages and your Mother-in-law has diabetes real bad and she'll be staying with you for a while. It seems that you, sir, are fucked.

But being part of the system is exactly where you need to be to become a cancer to the system. And you can do that by doing what America is known for - by fucking up. All you have to do is fuck up a little bit, here and there.

If you're a cop, lose some paperwork every now and again. Get a bad cold on a day you were supposed to show up in court for a drug possession case. Forget to read their rights instead of saying "I'm just doing my job." To err is not only human, it's revolutionary.

A red flag on a tax return doesn't exist if you don't notice it, Mr Tax Man. Hey, look Officer Border Patrol, your shoe is untied - conveniently when that mother and her two small children are make a mad dash towards a new life in housekeeping.

Whatever it is that you do, you can find a way to overlook some small details to make someone elses day better. Approve one more home loan than you normally would. Fuck it, it's not your money. How much perfectly good food do you throw away when your restaurant closes? Drop it off with at a shelter on your way home. Work at the DMV? Well, now there's a world of details to overlook there. Be lazy to the benefit of the guy in line, not the state.

You get my point. There's a million ways to punch holes in a system meant to keep life overcomplicated and tragically dull. George Bush is dangerous but so is the guy who yells at you for forgetting your name tag or the shithead who tells you that restrooms are for customers only. Just because your life is too mired in the shit to be huffing tear gas at a WTO riot doesn't mean you can't take a few chips out of the wall in your own arena. Weaken the foundation to topple the house.

More on this later, I got shit to stir up in Shreveport.

Sign onto the message board and share your ideas or just be an asshole.

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Did you take a look at the Psytopia link? Stop emailing me to complain that I never play in Allentown or Lawton, Oklahoma. Come down to Jamaica to what could be the most fucked up party of your entire life. Seeing me there will be way better than seeing me at the Ramada in Greensboro. Sure, it's a bit pricey but if you start stealing just a few dollars a day from that job that you hate, you'll have plenty by the time we're blown out of our tit in the Carribean.

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Oh, and if really don't know it's all fucked? I'll tell you a good place to start. Buy "You Are Being Lied To" at www.disinfo.com. Then go from there.

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Someone tell Mitch Hedberg to update his fucking site. I really enjoy his words.

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Buy my shit. Give it to someone you hate for Christmas.

Dear Boston Police,

Let me start by sending out a big HOO-RAY for our beloved BoSox! Being born and reared in the Great State of Massachusetts (or TAX-a-chusetts as my Uncle Fuzzy says, lol), I have carried my love of the Red Sox and the great sport of baseball all the way to the Left Coast, where I currently reside and head a Red Sox booster club. You'd be surprised at how many Sox fans are out here! Hoo-ray!

One of our major goals has been to get the gals into the mix and share our love of America's Pastime with them. Sports has been an Old Boys club for too long and there is no better feeling than having your better half cheering right along with you for the Home Team. We've been really successful and now have over 40 women in our group, although maybe we should give most of the credit to that Johnny Damon, if you know what I mean. Lol.

Anyhoo, here's is why I wrote and how I believe you could help us attract and keep ladies involved in the Red Sox and baseball in general. Try to not to shoot them in the face and kill them.

Firing pepper-mace canisters into the heads of cheering ladies and making them dead is a sure-fire way of keeping them away from the game - a game they should be able to enjoy just as much as their loving husbands.

There was a time in our country when the World Series was a time a woman expected to be abandoned by her husband, relegated to the kitchen to make snacks while her man had all the fun. But over time we started to change that by letting our wives feel welcome next to us on the couch, by teaching about the game without talking down to them and by not dressing up in riot gear and blasting them square in the face with concussion grenades so that they die.

Boston has always been as a place that respects its police force as much as we respect the Boys of Summer and we give you kudos for "taking full responsibility" for the recent incident. I was raised the same way. If I were ever in a well-armed and protected militia facing a horde of drunk, happy people that meant me no personal harm and I decided to shoot scattershot and randomly into that crowd, blowing a happy girls noggin off, I would - like you - be a man about it, say "That was my fault" and be done with it. But with all due respect to our heroes in blue (or menacing black helmeted neo-stormtrooper attire, depending on the function), we feel that shooting innocent girls faces off - in the long run - only hurts the game.

I know you can't promise to not kill all jubilant girls in the head but if you could at least show that you'll *try* not to kill and murder them, they'd feel a heck of a lot more comfortable giving a big Major League holler for the Beantown Boys finally getting to the Big Game. Maybe I am seeing this as more of a problem than it really is but you know how post-season jitters can be. I mean, they call it the "Curse of the Bambino", not "The Curse of an innocent, unarmed college chick that was brutally murdered in the eye with a cannon , all in the interest of parked cars and noise ordinances." Lol. Red Sox in five. Douglas Stanhope

Former Red Sox fan, Victoria Snelgrove

I Am Gay

Editor's Note - I am gay. That's right. I, Doug Stanhope, am extraordinarily gay. I am coming out of the closet for the sake of gays everywhere. The fact that I am not gay is insignificant to the fact that I just swore that I am gay. I am as gay as Jesus made me. I believe it's time for other not-gays to have the courage to be gay with me.

 Dear Gays -

If you are from the Washington DC area, you are probably familiar with this story.

Washington, DC bought the Montreal Expos and brought them to your town and now they plan on tearing down the gloryhole district to make room for a stadium. And it seems the gays are up in arms, as you should be.

LISTEN TO ME, GAYS - YOU ARE MISSING THE BIG PIG PICTURE!

Do not fight the team - embrace them with warm leathery bearhugs. That's right, make them feel at home as Americas first gay baseball team, like it or not.

I was once - as a child - a big Oakland Raiders fan. Back in the 1970's. Ken Stabler, Fred Bilitnikoff, Dave Casper, John Matusak, Art Shell, Gene Upshaw - even Ray Guy the punter was worth flicking a small portion of poop of your cock - just to show respect for banging a punt off the rafters at the SuperDome in New Orleans.

But somewhere along the line, gang members and their wanna-be ilk took a liking to the Raiders and ruined it for the rest of us. You can't even go to an Oakland home game without risk of getting stabbed in the neck at the taco stand.

The gang members stole my Raiders. Now it's your turn - our turn - to steal the Expos. You can make the new Washington DC team America's Gay Team.

They will not back down from threats of losing the gay vote in your district. They are not worried about your threats of lawsuits, either - c'mon, you're gay not Jewish. But the threat of 20,000 guys sucking cock in the stands during the 7th inning stretch? Maybe then they'll move to the industrial park.

I'm not joking and I am certainly not mocking. I will be as gay as I can be (save for a bushy moustache) right beside you in the effort. I'll even stay at a YMCA, just to see how fun it is.

We can be the only club in the country who chant "Fuck the Yankees!" and mean it.

Call me when you're ready.