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Dear Boston Police,

Let me start by sending out a big HOO-RAY for our beloved BoSox! Being born and reared in the Great State of Massachusetts (or TAX-a-chusetts as my Uncle Fuzzy says, lol), I have carried my love of the Red Sox and the great sport of baseball all the way to the Left Coast, where I currently reside and head a Red Sox booster club. You'd be surprised at how many Sox fans are out here! Hoo-ray!

One of our major goals has been to get the gals into the mix and share our love of America's Pastime with them. Sports has been an Old Boys club for too long and there is no better feeling than having your better half cheering right along with you for the Home Team. We've been really successful and now have over 40 women in our group, although maybe we should give most of the credit to that Johnny Damon, if you know what I mean. Lol.

Anyhoo, here's is why I wrote and how I believe you could help us attract and keep ladies involved in the Red Sox and baseball in general. Try to not to shoot them in the face and kill them.

Firing pepper-mace canisters into the heads of cheering ladies and making them dead is a sure-fire way of keeping them away from the game - a game they should be able to enjoy just as much as their loving husbands.

There was a time in our country when the World Series was a time a woman expected to be abandoned by her husband, relegated to the kitchen to make snacks while her man had all the fun. But over time we started to change that by letting our wives feel welcome next to us on the couch, by teaching about the game without talking down to them and by not dressing up in riot gear and blasting them square in the face with concussion grenades so that they die.

Boston has always been as a place that respects its police force as much as we respect the Boys of Summer and we give you kudos for "taking full responsibility" for the recent incident. I was raised the same way. If I were ever in a well-armed and protected militia facing a horde of drunk, happy people that meant me no personal harm and I decided to shoot scattershot and randomly into that crowd, blowing a happy girls noggin off, I would - like you - be a man about it, say "That was my fault" and be done with it. But with all due respect to our heroes in blue (or menacing black helmeted neo-stormtrooper attire, depending on the function), we feel that shooting innocent girls faces off - in the long run - only hurts the game.

I know you can't promise to not kill all jubilant girls in the head but if you could at least show that you'll *try* not to kill and murder them, they'd feel a heck of a lot more comfortable giving a big Major League holler for the Beantown Boys finally getting to the Big Game.

Maybe I am seeing this as more of a problem than it really is but you know how post-season jitters can be. I mean, they call it the "Curse of the Bambino", not "The Curse of an innocent, unarmed college chick that was brutally murdered in the eye with a cannon , all in the interest of parked cars and noise ordinances." Lol.

Red Sox in five.

Douglas Stanhope

Former Red Sox fan, Victoria Snelgrove

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