Dear Larry The Cable Guy,

Larry the Cable Guy

I don't know if we've ever met but my name is Doug Stanhope and I do stand-up comedy too! It's a crazy old bizness we're in, ain't it? Ohhhh goodness. Heh heh. Anyway, here's what I wanted to say... and I don't mean anything bad, see, but... I mean, I'm good friends with that Ron White fella and I think he's one of the funniest guys in the industry. I just think that...

*phew* (puts hand on shoulder and lowers voice)

It's just that, you know me and some of the other guys out there on the road have been having problems

with this (pauses and squints) ... "Git Er Done" thing. I mean, no one can blame you for taking the Wal-Mart approach of appealing to the absolute stupidest, water-brained Velveeta cheese flag-monkeys on the planet - no offense - but what you've gone and done is given them something to *say*. Out loud.

Are you getting me, Larry? (It is ok if I call you Larry? Great.)

You see, all of us road comics have to perform for these same nutlogs that enjoy your act. We go in, drink all the courage we can find and try to fulfill our contractual obligation. But until you came along, these people were usually too bereft of thought to ever speak out, save for the occasional Yee-Haw. Now, you went and gave em a catch-phrase to scream. At anytime, even when - especially when - it doesn't even make any sense. Do you see why we needed to talk to you about it?

It used to be that you could use pause as a tool to enhance the timing and effectiveness of a bit. Now it's the moment Gavin has been waiting for all week - to bellow out all the knowledge that you've impregnated him with - "Git Er Done!"

He doesn't even know what it means or why he's sayin it! Larry, I'm sure you're a great guy and all but please, you have to make this stop. I don't know how you stop it but - I mean, seriously - these people are puddle-noggins. These people laugh at commercials for car insurance. Surely you can make em stop repeating your mantra.

Here's an idea. Die. Hang on, hear me out. If you were to Die Tragically, then people would stop saying it. I mean, since they think that "Git Er Done" is "comedy", they would have a false sense of reverence about reiterating that in a comedy atmosphere if you had tragically passed on to Jesus. Same way a NASCAR fan would never jokingly yell "Dale Ernhardt" if you were doing a joke about bad drivers.

Listen, captain, I'm not saying I'm better 'n you. I've been out there on Whore Street before myself. Sure I only did it here and there. I don't yet have keychains, toddler wear and foam beer coozies on my website yet. But whoring, I have done. I did the Man Show and I didn't even have kids to feed. They had a catch-phrase too and the fucking tomato-headed fans waited like fat children with full bladders to hear it.

It went "Ziggy-Socky, Ziggy-Socky, Hoy Hoy Hoy!" and then their gaping mouths would open like urinals for their prize of beer.

But we put a stop to that shit. Even though we milked a few extra dollars out of that pig by keeping it alive another year, at least we refused to keep that moronic catch-phrase alive. Imagine if every time you took a sip off your drink on stage, you were barraged by Ziggy-Socky, Ziggy-Socky - like trained apes banging verbal cymbals together on cue? You'd want me dead, too.

Like I said, I don't know you and I haven't seen your act but I do know that 1,000 comics curse you nightly for inadvertently training these albino trailer-parrots to ruin our shows much the way Nazis trained dogs to eat Jews, no offense to German Shepards.

I hope this in no way offended you, it's just, you know, it get's a little old for me and the boys hearin it all the time. Hey, I've taken up enough of your time and I know your busy. I hope you have a great New Year and say Hello to Ron for me. Alrighty then.

G'nite.

stanhope