Happy New Year, My Intestines Hurt.

"That's the problem with 'clothing optional' beaches. It's always the last people you'd ever want to see naked

I feel pressure in my lower intestine and, no, it's not cock. It's some sort of blockage. When I press on it, it gurgles. Seems to have been growing for a few years so I doubt its cancer or I'd be dead by now. I also doubt it'll ever get fixed unless shit explodes into my innards. I used to think it was my liver and I did jokes about it. I actually went to a Russian doctor in my old neighborhood when I first noticed that it was not going away. I told her my liver hurt. She put me on the table and started rubbing high above where I'd felt the pressure. I didn't say anything. For some reason when she was rubbing the wrong spot, I assumed she was fucked up and didnt know where the liver was in a human body. She said she couldn't feel anything wrong. Only later when I saw a diagram of the human innards did I realize what an onionhead I am. She asked me how much I drank and I told her. She asked what I usually drink and I said beer. She told me to stay away from beer, to drink vodka. I shit you not. You gotta love a broke-English Ruskie doctor who gives you that kind of advice. I think I'll keep her.

Now I just need a fuck-up attorney. We have big plans for the New Year and we are going to need legal assistance.

Do any lawyers come to this site? I wonder who does come to this site.

Are there any troops? Or does the military block this site?

How about black people? Are there any black people here?

What about gays? Or professionals? Or women? Where's my elderly
people at?

Who are you people? Talk to me!!!

Why aren't you on the message board? You learn things there that you'll never hear on the front page.

Sure, two people will call you a douchebag the first time you post but we don't like those two people anyway. We just keep 'em around for flavor.

The Private Party Mailing List Contest - which was rigged of course - went to the last guy that signed up on the message board, for no particular reason other than I wanted to go to Bisbee, AZ and he's in Tuscon, which is on the way. Who knows when it'll actually happen. The new Mailing List contest will be easy and, therefore, legit. I'll yank a name off every month and send out a bootleg of a recent show, a naked picture of my wife sleeping, an audiotape of my act from '93, a bootleg of someone elses show, etc. It's important to be able to get ahold of you. It's the only way you may know I'm in your town. Thanks.

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I'll be in Costa Rica for a few weeks and then Vegas. A lot of new dates will be coming up and I'll be trying to put together a Tour with the Un-Bookables. There's so much good comedy out there that you aren't seeing or seeing enough of that maybe it's time to start barnstorming some towns.

If you own a bar or have a hook-up at a venue, drop me an email. Doesn't matter where. It may be time to buy a bus off eBay and do a low-rent tour. Guys like Sean Rouse, Brendon Walsh, Travis Lipski, Andy Andrist, Lonnie Bruhn, etc. are wasting away because club owners are terrified cunts.

So get on the mailing list and get the people you know on the mailing list.

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A quick and overdue thanks to those who send me shit. I occasionally get some really cool books or t-shirts or CDs from people that I never get to thank you for and have no idea who you are. I just started reading the Principia Discordia that someone mailed me. I have no clue who, but thanks - to all of you. This is why I take time off, to realize what a self-centered douchebag I am.

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I'll be re-doing the site soon or, should I say, Redban will be doing it. I will be bloated on a beach somewhere. I'll get clips back up and some new merchandise. Anything in particular you'd like? Email me your suggestions. I have no funny for this update. I'm off the clock. Make a New Years resolution to stop following tradition. Quit working so hard. Sell something you like and do something you like with the money. Stop trying to make people like you. Steal from somebody that won't notice. None of this is real. Make the most of it. Come to the party. Wake up with a good story. You guys make this fun.