Goin' To War

As the 48 hour deadline crept in on Iraq, Rogan and I were blown out of our nugget on shrooms in the desert. At 5pm - zero hour - we flipped on the local news and laughed for about 8 straight minutes before having to turn it off. Then we went for strip mall sushi, another bad idea. It wasn't until morning that I actually took the time to watch the war and here's my take.

So far, this is the most boring war ever. Sure, it's early yet but they'd better spice this one up quick or not even CNN will keep it on the line-up.

The protesters are the most exciting thing thus far and they aren't anywhere near memorable yet. I kinda wanna go goof on them but I'm allergic to tear gas. I don't have any basis for this but the protesters in general don't seem as knowledged as, say, the anti-globalization cats. Like so many things anymore, they just seem somewhat phony. And another thing that has always bothered me - if you have to protest something, don't block fucking traffic. Fucking assholes. Block City Hall or an Embassy or trash a Mervyn's but get the fuck out of the street. Fucks.

What people refuse to acknowledge is that most people really don't give a fuck about what you're protesting about, incuding this war. Sure, they have an opinion because someone has asked their opinion and they had to make one up but it isn't something that consumes their thoughts otherwise. You ruining their fucking night stopping traffic for two hours when they've humped 9 hours at a death-bed occupation and only want to get home in time for Sex In The City - guess what? Now they have a strong opinion instead of no real opinion and it's the opposite of whatever you are protesting. Because they realize you are a stupid fucking stink-pigeon and anything you hate should be embraced and lightly fingered.

As always, it's like football. People hate the Raiders solely because the Raiders fans are dicks. Even people who don't even like the game hate Raiders fans. That's fine in football. In a protest that's stupid. Stupid fuck.

People assume that I'm anti-war but I'm not, not yet anyway. What I am saying is - there's no draft. They aren't pulling kids out of the inner city and forcing them to fight a ridiculous war. And nobody that is whole-heartedly against war or who would never want to fight a war joins the military.

War!

What is it good for?

Well, it opens up parking spaces, for one. And it let's people who kinda wanna kill other people go out and kill other people who kinda wanna kill people or be killed by other people who kinda wanna kill people.

And those are the people I want to party with the least. No offense, but I tend to get mouthy when I drink.

I say follow your instincts. Go out and kill someone else of a like mind.

If it helps to pretend to be doing it for my freedom, have at it. Heck, you can even say you're doing it to keep my milk from going bad. Whatever it takes. I've had military guys get very chesty with me, reminding me that they are out their to protect my freedom to do what I do and say what I say. Sounds good, but the fact is that the military is there to fight whoever they are told to fight, reasons being none of their business. Should they be told to fight for a cause that is absolute bullshit and they know it, they still have to go fight. In such a case, they are the ones with no freedom of speech and have to hope that people back home are saying and doing something about it. So you need me as much as I need you.

I have yet to feel threatened by Iraq or met anyone who has ever felt threatened by Iraq. I've felt threatened by the police, the IRS, airport security, customs, photo-enforced red lights and John Ashcroft makes me really paranoid. I've felt threatened - even been threatened on several occasions - by the fine men and women of the US Armed Forces. Well, maybe not the women but you get the point.

People who feel threatened by Iraq go to the doctor a lot, too. No, Mrs Brown, it's just a freckle.

I've never so much as suspected Saddam Hussein of prank calling me. Never felt threatened by terrorism, either. Not even after 9/11. Some 3000 people died. More people die choking on meat and I don't worry about that either. That shouldn't stop anyone from starting a war, though. I'm not anti-war because I'm not playing. I'm not pro-war for the same reason. Not in the game, myself. I'd be pro-war if I could bet on it, if there were a Vegas line, being football is out of season and all. I'll still watch a war if it's on tv and it's a good one but this one isn't even a good one. It's a repeat of a mismatch. Try a little showboating. A little razzle-dazzle.

Still, it's hard not to get into the pre-fight hype. It's like a Don King event with dirty fighters. It's not gonna be much of a fight, per se, but you still gotta watch in case any weird shit goes down.

Saddam is prepared to use chemical weapons against ground troops, they tell us with indignation. Ground troops are prepared to kill Saddam Hussein, but he's the asshole for fighting dirty? It's a war, faggot. And he sucks at it. If you were prepared to kill me, I'd use whatever weapon I could find - chemical weapon, nuclear weapon, broken broomstick, nut punch, dog shit in a wrist-rocket, girlie eye-gouge, fake seizure, Lysol can and a Bic lighter - whatever it takes.

They talk shit about terrorism being dirty pool but I think it's just as fucked up or more that we have rules for war. You can hit him in the face with the garden rake, no problem, but whip out the mace - that's against the Geneva Convention and we get a penalty kick. If it has rules then it's a game. If it's a game, you should be able to put money on it. Gimme a Vegas line. No straight wagers - not on this one - but some proposition bets. An over/under. Something to keep it interesting.

I'd love to be truely anti-war or pro-war or have any strong opinion, for that matter, that I can't find the downside. You say that these people will now be free of an evil dictator and I think that's wonderful but at the same time I think that most of those people want a dictator and will always be yanked off that you took theirs away. Most people are happy as pigs in dumpsters being told what to do and will defend the person telling them what to do, no matter how much of a shithead that person may be.

In North Korea people don't even have toilet paper but they started out with no toilet paper while being told by their leaders how wonderful it was to live in a country unspoiled by western evils such as toilet paper. They believe it whole-heartedly because they don't have any comparison. They didn't go from SUVs and endless bowls of AppleJacks to wiping their ass on their shirtsleeves. That's just how it is and they go along with it.

I'd love to swell with hometown pride or love of humanity but most everyone I know is an asshole. Assholes don't have borders. So I battle between realism and idealism and either side can prevail depending on my blood/alcohol content and mood in general and, in the meantime, watch what looks like a really boring war. Our own dumb-downed Vietnam without the draft or camera man right in the thick of it. Protesters being drug off by police in riot gear but no overt drug use and rampant fucking in the streets. All the ingedients of our generation's defining moment with all the good parts sucked out.

stanhope