Tell Me SOMETHING

If there is one good reason to be against the war in Iraq, it is that it's less fun to watch than Arena Football. Not only is it tedious, it has squeezed out all the other news that I'd waste hours watching.

The war just doesn't have the pinache to merit "round-the clock" coverage, much less leave me hanging on the conclusions to my previously scheduled melo-dramas already in progress.

I need closure, Goddammit.

What about Lizzie Smart? Did she really get married to Weirdie in a crazy secret ceremony? Did he consumate the marriage in the mountain teepee? Will she ever escape from the current religious zealots?

How about the Raelien clone babies? Will Michael Jackson try to clone little Culkins so he never has to live with the heartache of them get old and un-fuckable? And what became of Scott Peterson and his missing wife? Will Great White be playing a Shriners Convention anytime soon?

You started me on this trivial bullshit - make up an ending.

Please give me something other than the war. "Slowly but surely" may be good for the troops but it's sucking the life out of me. The most painful part is watching the bobble-heads trying to constantly make it sound like we are moments away from a revelation or defining turn of events. Like a football game that's a first-half blowout and then you have the Al and Dan in the booth making chit-chat trying to keep you tuned in til the end.

Maybe it's time to bring in some writers to do punch-up work. The war has had some moments but they always drop the ball. Consider the story that they had dolphins spotting mines in the port of Umm Qasr. Not really watchable but it's a great start. Punch it up. How about sending apes with Uzis in Nasiriya, shrieking and firing wildly in all directions. Or shitting pigs air-dropped right into Baghdad? Massive sows with irritable bowels, force-fed and dropped by parachute over the capital, swirling and shitting, shitting and swirling.

Instinctively you would say that would have no military significance but then who would actually try to consider the ramifications? They say the element of surprise is tantamount to victory. Surprise, surprise, a shitting pig just landed on the hood of my Fiat. I think I'll just surrender.

And therein lies all that is wrong with the world and why I'm happy that my lease will be up soon. Because these ideas are why I am considered a comic and not a military genius. One would think I was joking.

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One point that I have to make to every Bill O'Reilly in the world that says the war protesters should shut up and support the troops. If you ask any anti-war protester if he or she supports the troops, nearly 100 percent will say yes. So if you - of bombastic right-wing opinion in the media - are truely concerned about the morale of the troops, you would make that quite clear in any mention of protests, aside from your own personal point of view. But you just want to win an argument, to promote your own point of view by painting protesters as "anti-troops". You don't actually give a fuck about the troops. If you did, you would concede - in every mention of anti-war protests - that those protesters support the troops. So that the troops know it. But you don't care about the troops, Bill O'Limbush. You are ego. You are viral.

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I've seen a few episodes of Jimmy Kimmel and they have mostly been very admirable train wrecks. I hope it catches on. It may not go smoothely but then again smoothe don't necessarily make funny. I laughed more at the fact that he had Mike Tyson as a co-host than I have ever laughed at Leno ever. Of course, Tyson made the show more uncomfortable than anything but just the balls to try made it worth the hour.