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« Goin' To War | Main | Extreme Elvis »

Welcome Home, Lizzie

After two days of watching Ed Smart on the news, I am now convinced that Elizabeth disappeared willingly in order to avoid the inevitable day that she came home to find her father being savagely raped by a man he paid to dress up like a Hell's Angel.

In fact, I now believe that's what all of these handymen were doing at the Smart house. They sure seemed to hire a lot of drifters with pocket money to do odd jobs. It was said in the LA Times that Mrs Smart had met this Brian Mitchell on the street, given him 5 dollars and hired him to work on their roof. Sure, you meet a guy dressed in a robe and a bakers hat, looking like a Jewish Bigfoot(find a pic and put it up here if you have time), slap a fin and your home address in his hand and tell him to bring his own shingles.


Fat chance.


I think Mom Smart was procuring street riff-raff to come home and take septic dumps on her husband and kick him around in his diaper in the garage until the kids came home.

"Who's that, Daddy?"

"Uh... that was the roofer." he'd say, rushing in wearing a blanket and a disposable shower cap, wiping sweat from his brow.

"What's that smell?"

Uh... there was a skunk in the garage?" he'd answer, using his body to sheild the doorway where Mom furiously scrubbed excrement from the cement floor.

Now you wonder when Elizabeth says she could hear people searching for her but couldn't respond.

When I first heard that she was alive, bitterness actually left me for a moment. I found myself having feelings that could almost be described as positive. But thanks to CNN, I can always find bitterness, day or night, just a click of a button away.

Right there in front of 1,000 cameras and obvious questions, Ed Smart was railing on the powers that be in Washington to pass Amber Alert legislation. Fuck the war, says Ed, a handful of children go missing every year! And Jesus doesn't love them as much as he loves our family so we need the governments help, too!

Amber Alert. Good idea, I'm sure. So pay for it. You cunt. Spend your time in front of the cameras drumming up private funding, you cunt. I'm sure there's enough parents out there equally concerned and finacially endowed as yourself. Then there are the rest of us who don't have kids and don't really want to cough up more dough to protect yours.

I don't neccessarily see where she's better off in that home than in a homeless guys teepee, except that she's obviously going to be hot and we all know how girls that get force-fed religion turn out - especially that low-competency Mormon shit. Keep pounding that into her head, Ed, and I'll be looking for her mouthing Snoop Dogg's garbage bag on "Girls Gone Wild" in about three years.

In the meantime, I pray to the same God I use in roulette that you don't get John Walsh Syndrome, where you get such an unquenchable thirst for media attention that you milk a personal ordeal flat just to feed your newborn ego. Remember, people have watched you cry for the last nine months, not because they value your opinion but because your tragedy - and now your incredible good fortune - are really entertaining. And while you thought you were touching America's heart strings, most of us were wondering how long before you dump the family man act, put on a girdle and go suck a dick.


Welcome home, Lizzie.

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