Dear Little People of America,

Let me start by saying that I’ve always been a big fan of little people. They are really funny and cute and they don’t give you dirty looks at red lights. I have run into a problem that I think you should know about.

Several months back I ordered a spank-flick from a mail order smut house that alleged to show little people in the art of carnal shindigs. Entitled “Sexual Experiences With Midgets," I assumed that it would have an all-little person cast. Not the case. In fact, there was but one little person in the whole film. One girl was small in stature but not what anyone would call a little person. I find that type of casting to be a slap in the cherubic faces of little people everywhere.

I’m sure there are plenty of you who would love to break into show business but how can you if someone who is just plain short takes all the “midget” roles? Why couldn’t they use a full-fledged little person, someone bonded by your fine organization? I’m surprised Lou Diamond Phillips didn’t squeeze into the cast.

I’ve written to the company, the BBB, my consumer advocate from the local news and my congressman. This may have to go to court, so what I need to ask you is, what defines a “midget”? I know you find this term offensive but, technically, is there any type of height requirement? I’ll need to show in a court of law that this girl, while petite, does not constitute midgetry and therefore puts the amount of alleged little people down to one. The title being plural would therefore be considered false advertising and we can clean up on these scallywags.

Please help me defend our tiny cousins to the human race and porn customers everywhere.

Your Friend,
Doug Stanhope