Weekend Of Terror

The ceaseless terrorism alerts have spun out of control coming into Memorial Day weekend, beginning with threats on malls and banks, then apartment buildings, bridges and subways, inevitable suicide bombers, certainties of terrorists trying to obtain nuclear and chemical weapons that they will unquestionably use and finally the warning of scuba diving terrorists who may invade our ports.

Scuba-terror. On it’s way. Stay vigilant at the beach this weekend - Osama got his flippers and a snorkel and he’s bearing down on us. Next there will be alligators strapped with TNT coming out of your toilets.

Where I'm Gonna Be

HEY COLUMBUS!!!

I'll be playing a joint called WOODY'S PLACE this coming Tuesday, May 21st at 8pm or so. It's my first time in Columbus in 8 years so come out with all your sick fuck friends and let's get ugly. If enough of you show up I can make it a regular stop on a weekend so I need to fill the room. Take Wednesday off now so you can sleep off the damage. You hate your fucking job anyway so steal money from them on Tuesday, spend it Tuesday night and tell them to go fuck themsleves on Wednesday. You'll feel a whole lot better.

I'll be finishing out the week at Jokers in Dayton, Weds-Sun.

Also new is Toronto Yuk Yuks July 10-14. Nowhere better to be than Toronto in July, save for maybe Vancouver or Montreal.

This week is the Laff Stop in Houston and you know Houston always rocks. Why my wife can score drugs here and I can't is annoying yet obvious at the same time. I need to hang around with more homos.

We taped at The Velveeta Room in Austin last week for an upcoming DVD. I haven't seen the footage yet but it felt like a decent enough show. No idea when it'll be done but, believe me, you'll get an email if you're on the mailing list.

The Velv is everything stand up comedy should be. Like The Perch in Charlotte. 60-70 seats jammed in, smokey and loud and reeking of chaos. Comedy without the threat of something going terribly wrong gets real boring real quick and that's what you get in most of the corporate TGIComedy clubs.

Thanks to Don King and the Yellow Rose in Austin. You always make the trip worthwhile and my wife still smells like your tittie dancers.

Check back soon for UK dates in August. Specifics to come.

Amarillo Comedy Club, Part 4

This will hopefully be the end of the Amarillo story.

I talked to Kelly Moran today on the phone. I now believe he sent the email as a joke. Unfortunately, he included some really harsh personal shit about my manager, things that I deleted before I posted here. No need to hurt her feelings any worse by posting it. He had a personal beef with her and followed it up with all the HEEB and CUNT shit as a joke. Had it not been for the personal stuff, I may have taken it as such. But between that and the fact that I assumed it was his brother Kevin, I took it all seriously.

Kevin wants me to apologize for accusing him of sending the email.

Sorry Kevin.

Kevin, as far as I know, never asked me to rescind my comments about all the shit he said to me that week about his feelings towards people of color. Good thing.

Racism bothers me, but not as much as you may think from all of this. I, after all, am not a victim of it.

Racism just shows how fucking stupid you are, how little you really think.

The racist shit from Kevin it seems was just what most racism is - shit-talk. They are obviously booking black comics now for whatever reason. As much as it may enrage me, they are most often comical in their ignorance and to be ignored. I'd be just as disgusted working for someone who dumped his religious beliefs on you all week as his racist views. If you only work for people you like you'll be spending

long hours waiting for Jim Taugher to open a new room in Madison or Greyhound-ing it to Houston every 8 months. I don't have to work for people I don't like anymore .

Kelly Moran is not a racist. He has nothing against the Jews. He was playing on Hollywood stereotypes. He hates my manager and should have kept it to himself. She is very important to me.

As for the club - it seems that people of all color who are willing to work for the money are welcome there now. Make your own decisions.

Last word.

Kevin!

I have posted most of your emails on my site, allowing you to tell your side of the story verbatim. (Verbatim means word-for-word). I will also post a link to Kelly's admission and subsequent apology. (Subsequent means 'right afterwards'). As you can imagine, I will not be performing there in July or any other time. But if you are planning on sueing Kelly for using your club's name and email account to slander you, please let me know if you need me to be available as a witness.

Douglas Stanhope