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Sucking on FoxNews Red Eye

The bar and restaurant that Expedia lists at the Clarion Hotel LaGuardia doesn't exist.


Fuck you, Clarion Hotel.


There, that's my travelogue.

I just did Fox News Red Eye and I sucked. I should remember to never look at the monitors when I do television because I'm always stunned at how fucking stupid I look. If you're watching it in High Definition, you should smear your plasma screen with Vaseline to take some of the sting out of it. Perhaps there is a way to mute the screen and keep the sound, not that hearing me is any good

The call last night to do Opie and Antony came after I was already five cocktails in and I should have thought it through before I said yes. Five cocktails - what I like to call the sweet spot - is beyond the boundary of turning back. Glenn Wool found some Wake-Me-Up about the time the bar tab at the Sheraton hit 350 bucks and we adjourned to the room until 730 in the morning where I had to cover one eye to see. At noon, I woke up in a panic and had to switch hotels.

Needless to say, I didn't make the show. I don't know if they played my message or if it could even be understood. My hands are trembling still and it's hard to type while I swallow an Ambien with a leftover warm beer since the Clarion Hotel LaGuardia bar doesn't exist.

Fuck you, Clarion. It's more than an inconvenience.

Fox News Red Eye is a panel show that goofs on the news of the day which made the hangover that much worse as I was forced to actually watch the news so I'd have something to say. I have some professionalism. But as it turned out, I wasn't going to be talking about the news. It was a straight interview and all my fascinating jokes about the Queen and Mrs Obama as well as hilarious send-ups of Guiding Light going off the air after 200 years were like so much refuse in the gutter.

Preparing well for the wrong thing is almost as bad as not preparing at all, since now that's all that is in your head.

I fucking hate sucking. I forget how tight you have to be on tv, being used to taking however long I like on stage to get to the point. I think I got two jokes out and the last joke about the Man Show got cut off before I could get to the punchline. I want to go back and do it over. I hate warm beer. I am not a Doug Stanhope fan.

This hangover has the kind of staying power that could permanently alter my personality.

CNN is still somehow finding more ways to talk about Queen Elizabeth and the ramifications of Michelle

Obama daring to touch the Royal corpse.

It's depressing to the core of my soul that we live in such dark ages where things like Kings and Queens actually exist outside of amusement parks. Obama should have not simply touched her, she should have rabbit-punched her. Fucking superior blood-line. Fuck you and fuck the Clarion. They will rid that island of royalty once one of them spawns a developmentally disabled kid as heir to the throne. 60 years of the Retard King will learn em. Hard hugs will be protocol all day long.

Greg Gutfeld, the host of the show is truely a good dude. He needs to switch heads with Glenn Beck. Greg has a face that naturally looks angry. If you watched it on mute, you'd think he was yelling about something because his eyebrows naturally cock down and there's a crease on the bridge of his nose that screams vitriol but he's actually telling jokes. Glenn Beck on the other hand tries to be angry and ends up looking like a fat, stupid child. His face should be wearing a chef's hat on the side of a box of eclairs.


Greg Gutfeld


Glenn Beck


I can't wait to get to the stage in Madison tomorrow to get the stink off of me. I have a pretty good average when I'm coming off a loss and Madison and Detroit are great towns for me. And the hotels that I have there are still shitholes but they're advertised as such so there are no surprises.

I did squeeze in an awkward plug disguised as an apology to O&A for no-showing and I hope that we're still good. I also managed a "Baba-Booey Baba Booey! Howard Stern's weiner!" right off the top so both camps have been represented and you can save your partisan emails.

Old men staying up all night with gack and cross-eyed from alcohol shouldn't be called "partying" unless you can look at the tape afterward and see if it was even jovial or if the fun lasted anywhere near as long it hurt afterwards. When VH1 does "Not Really Much of a Celebrity at All Rehab" I will consider it. I wouldn't stop drinking but would try to squeeze in all the jokes I had prepared for tonight and plug other radio shows and people that I am fond of.

Tomorrow is another day.


A Little Something to Make You More Paranoid...

This is a news clip about a man detained by TSA simply for having cash.

This has happened to me and it's infuriating.

Remember, this is not Republican or Democrat. Its government out of control and all these random events - like the cop detaining the football player whose mother-in-law was about to die - and a million like em add up to what is to be expected rather than a few bad apples.

Spread this around if you have the type of friends that'll give a fuck.


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