Look at this...

I just plunk me fingers on the keys and words appear all over the world. I feel like a nameless, unworshipped god. How about me.

OK.... I have other shit to tell you that is of the utmost importance but that'll have to wait. I got 4 Mich Ultras over 4 1/2 hours and two Benadryls so this party is about to get closed down! That's right MKUltras with Benydowners waiting for my 6 am flight to St Louis. Do jockey-boxers holding up a stray cat's beer gut make it sound more dangerous?

Sad, yes I am. You'll eat here one day yourself, fuckie.

Anyway, speaking of beer guts - and then I really have to go - a couple of you emailed saying that the tantalizing "out-ee" belly button I occasionally flash to the audience in order to gain widespread disgust is actually an umbilical hernia. Kimmie in Alaska did this whilst I was supoosed to be in a state of ecstasy according to my drug dealer. She diagnosed several other things that she thought would kill or disfigure me in the near future.

Well, Kimmie - you were right about the belly button. I asked my old doctor when I went in this time to re-up the scrips. After letting him know that I was certainly having no problems with addiction to Xanax or Ambien, my fear of flying and insomnia have just gotten worse. He's over 100 years old according to some and he's not one to quibble.

I told him about how you killed my MDMA buzz by saying that my black baby's navel was actually a hernia and I barely had it out before he concurred. You were right. It can be surgically remedied. But he said that if it didn't bother me, just ignore it. That's what I've been doing all along. With every problem, not just being gross to look at.

What was my point?

Oh ya... I gotta get up in a few hours.

I'll be telling you some shit that's coming up so you can put this back on your favorites. My days of not updating my site are OVER!

Send your stupid suggestions on what else to do with this site (doug[at]dougstanhope.com). We both have to stop counting on Facebook and Myspace to hear the beautiful news that my drunken corpse is coming back to your town. Start coming here and I'll start keeping regular updates and I'll have cybersex with you and I'll post my favorite recipes, etcetra.

Here's some news for those of you in Montreal, going to Montreal in July or comics who are fucking sick of being ripped off by the Giant Man-Cunt of the Just For Laughs Festival - Ms Bruce Hills - I will be doing the Gala One Year Anniversay of the Inaugural Just For Spite Festival on the weekend of July 24 & 25. Unlike the JFL, the artists (me) involved in Just For Spite actually see a reasonable share of the profits, are not told by the empty-shell bean-counters how to do their material and mostly Just Aren't Embarrassing Cunts.

I'll get the story of last year up as soon as I can find it in this mass of shit. 

We'll be going out of our way to fuck up a lot of things this year, since next year is 20 Years of Comedy for me and I'll want to do a lot of old shit and reminiscing about things I've destroyed. So let's fuck things up now while we're still young.

Who else do I want to take down? And if by "take down" do I mean travel way too far to work a 140 capacity room just out of spite for festival booker/accountant who is a shit-booger staining the anal sex of comedic art? Yes. That is what I mean.

 I don't know who else. But it'll come to me.

 Michael McClendon killed 11 people and then himself last week in Alabama. The were all on a list he'd made of people who had "done him wrong."

 Let that be an example to all of us that in life, it is very important to keep lists. I forget who I hate. As soon as someone new takes the Number One spot, I forget everybody else. So keep your shootin' list caught up and in your tit-pocket at all times.

"Hey,

a-won't you play

a-nother

Somebody-Done-Somebody-Wrong Song...

Etc.

You are my type, yes you are. I will be posting Very Important Things here soon. We have to start planning for The End of The World and I will be able to save about 100 of you. Stay Tuned!

My goodness, look at the hour....

~stanhope