Honey, I'm Home!

The rain is coming down in sheets in London, not in the usual drizzle. Sheets like Florida. That doesn't make it tropical by any means but I prefer it all or nothing. It isn't nearly as depressing this time over and that likely has everything to do with Bingo being along for the ride. Only one show under the belt and phoned in through a haze of leftover Xanax and 15 hours of travel. Outside smoking on the balcony of the SoHo Theatre offices, I was spotted by a fan who climbed down the latticework from the third floor to have me sign a half-empty vodka bottle. Some comics would have seen the bottle as half-full. I prefer to think of the guy as half-full. Cheers.

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Keep sticking your fingers in my ass and soon you'll come up shitty.

These are good days for the Libertarian Party. The passage of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act has fucked me and millions of others out of our Sunday fun and in some cases a livliehood. I have friends who make their living playing poker online. Me, I just like to have twenty bucks on the game so I have another reason to dumb it down on Monday night.

Not anymore. The government doesn't think you are capable of deciding how to spend your own money.

12 billion annually they say is spent on internet gambling. Of course, the internet sites that suffer are all outside the U.S. since it's already illegal here. They just made it illegal to send your money to those other countries for gaming purposes. To legalize internet gambling here in the States, well, that would keep a large portion of that 12 billion dollars here at home. If I had 12 billion dollars, I'd put it all on Philly minus 3 at New Orleans this week.

Then there's the proposed ban on trans fat in restaurants in New York as well as New Jersey and Washington, DC. All Americans have left is their obesity and you wanna take that from 'em, too?

Tell em how to eat. Tell em how to spend. Put em all in orange jumpsuits too and call it patriotic.

Eventually people will snap. Smoking bans. Arresting people in bars for being "drunk in public". Banning lipstick and toothpaste from airplanes. The FCC dumbing down radio down to Sesame Street levels. DUI checkpoints. Random searches. Monitering phone calls. Keep poking them in the chest. Iraq, immigration, terrorism and the like may be the "big issues" but you keep fucking with Joe Six-Pack's daily grind and simple pleasures and soon you'll need a hell of a lot more than gay marriage to distract him and keep him drowning in this two-party sea of dogshit. Just voting Libertarian isn't enough. Make a lot of fucking noise as well.

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I was detained at airport security in Louisville for quite some time for having cash in my carry-on. A few grand that I'd been too hungover to get into a bank. They wouldn't tell me why my having cash was a problem, just got a bunch of TSA apes and super-apes to ogle at it, fondle it like it was an extraterrestrial substance and then take my ticket and ID off to parts unknown before letting me go with a scowl and minutes to make my plane.

Let freedom ring.

Days later I was detained on the beach in Florida for what was reported as indecent exposure. We'd be drinking at the hotel's bar on the beach and I happened to be wearing a jock strap under my shorts so whilst watching the sun set on the Gulf of Mexico, I entertained my chums by pulling my athletic supporter high over my distended belly and pulling the leg-straps up into my asscrack.

What laughs we had.

When the police arrived, we assumed it was because of the asshole driving his remote-controlled car at high speeds around the beach.

Nope.

When they asked me if I'd been exposing myself, I told them a truncated but accurate version of what had happened. One cop went off to canvass the people at the lounge, including the one humorless vagina who'd made the call. She'd made it out that I'd been exposing my genitalia with children present or so the cop told me. Fortunately Chaille had taken a plethora of pictures on his digital camera and let the cop look through them all. The officer viewed several before he was satisfied that the lady was just a rug-burned cunt. Funny thing is that he evidently stopped looking one picture before a candid shot of Brendon Walsh drunk and urinating onto the mattress of a different hotel the night previous.

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Morning radio in Kentucky and the call sheet says specifically that the station caters to primarily teenage girls and soccer-moms. So why the fuck did you make me get out of bed to go there? To attract the core demographic that will hate my guts? Who is this going to benefit exactly? Gaping lapses in logic like this rub my ass wrong. So we show up with Bingo in a muslim prayer robe, shoeless with dirty feet and while she and I are out smoking, Walsh tells the dj's that she's some runaway that I picked up at a Love's truck stop and that he's really creeped out and considering quitting the week because he thinks she's only like 15 1/2 years old.

We come back in and, with this stinking elephant in the room, they go about their cheeseball interview as though all their private parts leak sunshine and everyday is a blessing. The muttering bald girl in the corner could have been a burning monkey trying to fuck the back of that womans head and she would still said "good times" through her Crest White-Strip smile and never batted an eye.

Good times, indeed.

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If you're one of the 38,000 people who have emailed me about the Robin Williams movie coming out and asking how I think it will effect my'08 campaign, the answer is - I don't think it do anything but help. I just wish it was someone other than Robin Williams.

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The last month has been a fucking blast, especially the rock 'n roll venues. The sense of chaos and adreneline is boosted 1000% when you get out of traditional comedy venues and it's made all the difference. Special thanks to Bennie at Backbooth in Orlando and Dickie Cummings at Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner in my hometown, Worcester, Mass - not only for a crazy fucking show but for the American flag picture that I'm sure to get a lot of use from between now and November, 08.

New World - Tampa	BackBooth- Orlando	The Emerald - St. Pete	Winner's Circle - Lakeland