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« Peoria, Il. | Main | For Shame... »

A Rash in Pittsburgh

I stepped out of the shower in Pittsburgh and got a glance at a rash on my asscheeks that I first thought may be Mackenzie Phillips. Three days ago I was in Vegas with the Northern contingent for a hijack wedding and in the late hours, all in the depths of ecstasy, the bride decided to shave peoples chests in the shower. I opted for the ass shaving and promptly forgot about it, pushing the night into a long day at a Let It Ride table until the ATM machine told me to go to bed.

Not often an ass rash can bring back fond memories.

Not often you find a reason to smile in Pittsburgh.

It's a unique city, no doubt, although dilapitated and they told me not stray too far from hotel at night or I'd be killed. The club is 20 minutes away, an Improv, in a sterilized oasis with a TGIFriday, a Pier 1 Imports and 20 other interchangeable, familiar franchises. It's nice to know that when your seratonin levels are low from rolling and you could weep at an episode of the Simpsons, there's always a place like this you can go and feel bland.

I've thought about wandering around during the day and checking out downtown or maybe take in a Pirates game on a goof but instead I sit and chain smoke with no air circulation, making my second-hand smoke then third-hand and fourth and on.

I was talking to the bartender at the hotel bar here late-night and she says she was an airline attendant - her life's ambition - until she was laid off post-9/11. I asked her why it was so important that my seat-back be upright during take-off, thinking a common air-rager and ex-skycunt could share a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

She said it was to keep the ailse clear. I explained the basic physics, that the seat doesn't recline into the aisle. So, why?

Her back went rigid and her eyes narrowed like a rat about to be hit with a blowdart and immediately went into her former powerdrunk air-waitress mode, ranting about how everything they do is for your safety and that she will defend her fellow workers to the end.

I told her about Attell getting booted off a flight for merely "looking suspicious" and she got even more abrasive in their defense as though I was calling into question the very heroes of the Let's Roll! flight. "We are trained to be attentive and I defend their decision. He shouldn't have looked suspicious."

I wanted to remind her that there is no "we" since she got the boot and is now humping drinks in a Marriott and that "they" should all be replaced by Coke Machines and locked cockpit.

Someone had her badge taken away and can no longer make people eat shit or walk and all that "training" doesn't even make you a proper waitress. No decent waitress has to get on the PA system and ask the general public if they can break a twenty.

I wanted to tell her all this, realizing that she was the exact bad apple that makes me prefer driving 30 hours to a gig rather than get treated like a grade-schooler on a plane. I wanted to tell her now that she was stripped of power but then I remembered that I was in barren downtown Pittsburgh and shouldn't wander from the hotel or get killed and of course I need another drink so it looks like you got me again, you cunt. You got me again where I have to sit up straight and be polite as you tell me how important you are. Eat shit or walk. It should say that on your name tag.

If anyone has a hot tip on a place for me and the Beckers to get out of the country in January, with mid-to low chances of being taken hostage by rebels, thats hot that time of year with a beach and doesn't have an abundance of American tourists or tour buses, let me know. We did Costa Rica and then Belize and are looking for something a little more obscure.

I'll try to get more pictures up as soon as I figure out this new camera.

If you're just getting here because of the Man Show, you're fucking late. Here's what you do to catch up. First, buy my CD's. It's far harder than any Ass Crack Game Show humor, so make sure your mom doesn't find out.

Then, go to There isn't anything funny there but it could be the most important and actually do-able movement that could actually change all of our lives and get you involved in something more than watching cable television. There will be plenty of time for jacking off to Juggies when the work is done.

Next, go to and buy "You Are Being Lied To" by Russ Kick. You will never be the same and you'll know why you signed up for the Free State Project.

Then quit school, do mushrooms, get laid and find a way to rape the system. You'll feel better about yourself.


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