T.S.A.

Picture this, Dear Reader -

You are traveling through airport security for the holidays with your 5 year-old when all of a sudden you are told that your kid needs to go through the new TSA body-scanner which will subject him to allegedly "low doses" of radiation which will allow a complete stranger to view his or her naked body privately - or if you refuse will allow a complete stranger to do a full body pat-down including breasts and genitals?

Which do you choose?

What thought is more disturbing?

Some Job Corps airport chump watching the x-ray images, getting a weeping erection staring at the images of your naked youngster? The idea that over a course of time these screenings could make your child look like a bullfrog with his new neck cancer? Or simply settle for the out-right humiliation of watching him be molested right in front of you while the other TSA goons shove you in the chest and direct you where to stand?

I can't believe this shit is going on right in front of my eyes, every fucking week I'm on the road. I can't believe that people sit there and take it.

Personally, I don't care if someone sees me naked - I've forced the image on more than should have had to see it. Nor do I give a fuck about radiation. I smoke enough that folks in Chernobyl would ask me to take it outside.

I don't even mind subjugating some dunce in a uniform to get down on his knees and pat at my asshole and sweating bag while pretending to control my libido.

I care that so many people don't care that it doesn't matter if I care or not. But that shit is turning around, at least for the moment. Ever since TSA has started the full-naked body scans with your choice of full body/genital pat-down, the public seems to show that it still has a nerve that can be struck. Some empty-chested filth at the airport with rubber gloves grappling between your grandmother's tits and colostomy bag made the idea of the lottery-odds of an underpants bomber seem insufficient to justify.

The "Let's roll" guy on 9/11 - fictional or not - would have a hard time choosing between watching his crying child look helplessly at him during a rough groping from some low-rung government flunkie or to just man-up and go down with the plane.

There are a million organizations now calling for people to opt-out of the body scanner and force TSA to either do pat-downs or allow them to go thru regular metal detectors or to not fly at all.

Opting out is one way to go. First of all, the number of people who would decide to not fly would be minimal and actually beneficial for TSA because there would be less of an evident problem. The scanners themselves are adding so much useless time to flying that throwing lengthy security rub-n-tugs on top of that would cripple air travel and be far more effective.

But don't just opt out for the holidays. Opt out every time you have the option. Opt out with a smile and a leer and groan when they slide over your sensitive parts.

Your other option is to play the part of the willing maroon who is happy to go through the scanner but can't get it right. This form of protest could be far more effective since it can prove the machinery itself to be too difficult to be useful. The body scanner requires far more nonsense to get through than normal metal detectors. Every single piece of metal has to be removed from rings to belts to random coins in your pocket. The thing will detect mercury in your stool from last night's sushi.

So all you need to do is dress the part of the turtle-necked first-time-flier with a dullard's grin and happily get into the scanner with as much metal paraphernalia on your person as possible. They will scan you and then chastise you for still having metal. Apologize earnestly, go back, remove SOME of the metal and try again. Keep Aw-shucksing, apologizing and fucking it up so that in the meantime they will divert the rest of the people through the regular security.

If people start missing their flights because of a handful of idiots, pressure will come down like a hammer from airlines and passengers alike.

Either way, remember - and remember this clearly - that to quietly accept the current TSA rules without protest is exactly the same as saying "It's perfectly okay with me for the government to ogle or fondle my child's sexual organs as well as rape my grandmother."

Exactly the same.

Now get to the airport early with a bleeding erection in thin white pants and show them how much you mean it when you scream "Freedom!"

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I signed a deal with RoadRunner Records to begin their foray into
comedy. If you've never heard of RoadRunner - that's probably because nobody really hears about record companies since their was the center label of a 45 rpm spinning in the center of your turntable in 1981. But evidently they have a lot of huge bands and their check cleared so at this point it all looks good. I should have a new DVD out before your diabetes takes your legs.

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Brendon Walsh is on Conan on Thanksgiving. He might be the only guy that would get me to watch a late night talk show. If you haven't seen the pic where Walsh bought a Fathead of himself, climbed a billboard in LA and added himself to the cast of some Top Chef show - well, then Google it. Or maybe I can find a link.

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I'll get some kind of X-mas merch special going shortly. I mean, it's kind of a no-brainer. I don't give a fuck about Christmas either but evidently other folk have friends that require purchases so here I'll be - pulling open my raincoat to show you my latest wares. Come back soon or just do the easy thing and get on the mailing list.

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Bisbee folks - Thanks for everyone who came together for Bingo's
surprise party. She's still talking about it and you guys are fucking
great. See you over the holidays.

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2011 dates are starting to roll in. Get tix immediately or go stand in the corner and ponder on what you've done wrong.

Here's to a little closer to dead.

Cheers!