I don't know what kind of...

...bathtub Absinthe my audiences have been drinking out of the wheel-wells of their shared-ride vans before shows lately but a few of you are out of fucking control.

The crazies are out like Dawn of the Dead. Those at the Minneapolis show at the Varsity Theater know. Some poor, drunk, dumpy kid hobbled up center stage in the middle of a bit and put a corner of a baggie of blow right on the stool, directly in the spotlight. People have done that with pills and I've taken them so as not to jeopardize their freedom and because I must not have had shit to do the next morning such as catch a 7am flight - a problem that seems to follow every show lately.

But you don't just stand up in front of 450 people and put your coke on display like a jewel on the stage. That's just award-worthy stupid. Go to dark places to trade drugs. Go away from the light. When I tried to immediately shove it back in his hand, he just kept yelling "It's NOT POT!" as though the problem had been that I thought it was a drug I didn't enjoy as opposed to the brazen illegality and risk.

 

Understand, the kid thought he was helping, doing a good deed. He probably still hasn't figured out his boner move and thinks I'm a dick for making fun of him. You try all you can but some folks ain't in the getting-it business. If you're reading this, I appreciate the offer and even know the DVD you were referring to when you told me it wasn't pot. Just try to use more discretion in your daily life. I worry about you.

Shortly afterwards, a chick that was cartoon drunk came and stood right in front of the stage and began doing the licking between her split fingers sign for eating pussy before reaching out for my hand. I instinctively shook it - showing how poor my instincts are - and she tried to pull me off the stage.

I let go and backed up while she tried to crawl onto the stage before being hauled back by a security dude. He walked her a little ways back up the aisle when she broke off, did an end-around through the crowd and tried to get back on the other side of the stage, this time being taken straight out the side door and tossed.

I yelled at one on the Minneapolis Death Squad comics to follow her out and find out her story but he had just walked into the room and hadn't seen it so he didn't know what was going on. I really wanted to know what the fuck her deal was - if she was that drunk or actually mentally disturbed as well, why she was rushing the stage and especially why she kept making the pussy-licking signal. Did she want to eat my pussy? Did she want me to eat her pussy and wasn't a good communicator?

I may never know.

But I did get an email from her.

And it simply said, "Apparently I drank too much" between acts and "all apologeez." So I guess this is same-old, same-old in her day. I may drink on Ambien and write some fucked up garbage on my site or on Myspace that I would write off casually but I've never bumrushed the stage at a full theater and said "goodness, maybe I shouldn't have drank shots."

I haven't emailed her back. I'll wait until I'm drunk on Ambien.

For those of you who may be painting an incorrect picture of what any given live performance is like, keep in mind that the rest of the audience was for the most part completely fucking normal. A few loud-mouths aren't uncommon but this wasn't some giant mosh pit of assholes where a stage-jumper would be the next logical step.

Just folks enjoying a show until the crazy shows up. And sometimes the crazies are the most fun for me, so long as you don't fuck up a bit or annoy those around you. I have to say it can give the show some flavor, at least for me. But then again I know how all the jokes end so I'm not as keen as others to hear 'em.

Lawrence was great, Madison was weird and almost had a guy punched in the face by a hot, tattooed chick and later by most of the dudes within 25 feet of him, Detroit had the usual douches yelling from the balcony and other places and if you had to sit near any of them I truly apologize.

New material is having to be wrenched out of me like cheese dump but it'll come together soon enough - it always does.

In the meantime, eat before you drink and pace yourself with me. I'm usually three beers in when I hit the stage and then start doing a few shots. I've seen some of you fuckers - Daniel in Louisville - last-call drunk before the opening act is even going over his set list before the show.

Oh - and that's another thing - don't you fucking ever yell "Stanhope!" or any other retarded shit at my opening acts. I brought 'em and if you don't like 'em, go smoke a fucking cigarette and come back in ten minutes. If they are on stage, it's because I like 'em and you yelling at 'em just makes me hate you before I've even walked on stage.

Sure, every now and then you'll see someone ahead of me and think that there is no way I could possibly enjoy that act. In that case, rest assured it's because the poor prick earned a spot in some other very important way. Maybe they booked the show and promoted the shit out of it or maybe they saved my life in Vietnam or perhaps they scored us all some blow very discreetly so you don't have to walk up and plunk it on the stage, risking a serious felony so that I can remember the punchlines.

Nashville, Cleveland, New Jersy, New York City, LA, Chicago, Toronto, Portland, Seattle and Kirklandcoming up - get tickets now, take your crazies off their meds and send 'em out. Just get 'em to work on their timing.

~stanhope