Lake Tahoe

I can see people parasailing on Lake Tahoe from my hotel room window. I've always wanted to try that - me being a fan of any pastime that requires no physical strengh or dexterity - but so far I haven't been able to make it farther than the Let It Ride table. I don't even say the number out loud anymore. The pedestrian loser will constantly quote the amount that he's down but when you get to the point of needing the whole dangling carrot just to break even, you just shut up and stare into the distance. "It's only money." Miller Lite tells me with quiet confidence. You can't take it with you but you can't get anymore out of the ATM til midnite. Tahoe sits some 60 miles away and above the meth-lab haze of Reno and is evidently quite beautiful but to me it just looks like a 2, 5 and Jack, off-suit.

I am supposed to be getting my shit together for the Fringe Festival in Scotland next week but attempting to do Fringe-friendly material here would be like feeding apples to goldfish. Keep it non-threatening and predictable and make your parasailing money for tomorrow. Or double down and maybe go parasailing twice.

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Rules don't apply in Alaska and Becker and I didn't feel like doing the same old stand-up show again. One idea leads to another and then the grift is on. Let's tell em were filming an episode of The Man Show completely uncensored. Sure, it had been cancelled for months but this is Alaska. They don't know and they don't want to know. They are willing marks, pull-tab dreamers like the gold rush hordes that came here before them. Craig Gass comes here and does morning radio as the people he imitates. Craig does Adam Sandler saying he is in town to see Craig Gass. He is Christopher Walken - in town to see his good friend Craig Gass down at Koots. The place sells out, everyone listening to Craig Gass but looking over their shoulder for Adam and Chris.

And they fall for it every time.

So we make it up as we go. Take old Man Show bits, add some tittie dancers and abuse the willing for a night of good fun. 'Make Me Hard' with strippers half-raping naked midgets under thin sheets, trying to make them sprout a tent. 'Snatch Match', where a blindfolded contestant must use his olfactory senses to distinguish between a vagina and an old tuna sandwich. A rip-off of 'Wheel of Destiny' in which there is really no way to win.

A mother and son are deep-throating either end of a double-donger for a prize of 10 dollars per inch. This may not be high art but I am having fun again. No message, no anger, just horribly juvenile fun. That's why I come to Alaska but by the time I get here I've usually been yelling for so long, I got nothing else to say.

Renee takes over as producer and somehow puts together in two days what a crew of 30 did on the Man Show with less fuck-ups. I was the only one to fuck up.

Backstage with Renee - Doug: "Motherfucker." Renee: "What's wrong?" Doug: "I completely forgot to spray the stink bomb on the stripper's pussy." Renee: "It doesn't matter." Doug: "It fucked up the whole gag." Renee: "Don't worry about it. Just make sure that Midget Dave is in the bondage gear before you bring up the next contestant." Doug: "Thanks. I love you."

Girls are bobbing for buttplugs in pancake batter. Guys are eating pie made of gefiltefish and Crisco and 100 other terrible things. The pies are strategically placed between strippers legs and the show has been strategically and successfully scheduled to end with one contestant gracefully vomiting into the pie pan, scraping out the larger portion of gak onto the floor and continuing to eat as though there were any really prize other than being part of the show.

Vomit-splattered and grease-smeared tittie dancers are asking when this will be on Showtime, a rumor being fueled by the owner. "We don't know." Maybe I'm a prick for raising false hopes but then again, I doubt any girl ever looked back ten years later upset that her Girls Gone Wild cameo never made the final cut.

There is footage, that's for sure. Maybe we'll put it out on the internet or use it as bonus footage on the next DVD. Or combine it with the tape of last Friday nights' Alex Jones-inspired near-riot in Austin. That's another story altogether but I got no time to tell it. Until we put the tape out, it's probably better to hear it from someone who wasn't in the middle of it. Check the www.sacredcow.com message board for more.

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