Doug And His Protestors

Madison, Wisconsin and the booker tells me -

"You know we're gonna get protested tonite. There's an email going around campus. Feminists."

"Sober up," I tell him. "You barely sold 150 tickets to this show. You ain't gettin' any protesters."

But sure enough, as the light trickle of folks started spilling through the door, a gaggle of 10 or 12 college kids showed up with signs and stood on the sidewalk in front of the theater. They were really calm for protesters, almost complacent. Maybe, like the booker, they were expecting a lot more people.

Regardless, I was thrilled out of my tit. I couldn't imagine ever having protesters, much less for something as dumb as being on a "sexist" cable show. I ran out with my camera to get some shots, expecting them to immediately launch into some verbal barrage.

The signs were pretty weak. "Sexism is so funny... Says the Bigot!" "Keep your jokes of my body!" and the best - "Doug Stanhope is a Dope!"

That was my favorite, in part, because as I started taking pictures with them, I realized they had no clue who I was. I'm laughing and taking pictures of the guy holding a sign saying I'm a dope and he doesn't know that I am that guy. The more I laugh, they more the say that they aren't some big joke, that they are serious and that I shouldn't go see this sexist garbage.

Eventually they caught on and started giving me shit about objectifying women. I tried to argue in a friendly way but their arguments were so far past anything rational that it was pointless. Saying that the Man Show is the sexist equivalent of racist 1930's Amos and Andy shows. That Man Show humor leads to rape. Leads to eating disorders. Leads to these ladies feeling bad for not looking like Juggies. Impossible to do anything but stand there with your mouth hanging open, shaking your head. I hung with them for half an hour or so and we found some mutual grounds we agreed on about other things that suck in the world and, all in all, they were nice enough folks. As misguided as I think they are - I mean, they were barely 20 years old, if that so what can you expect - they were still my first protesters and I wanted to hug them all and buy them beers. Even the ugly chicks.

 

At some point, one of my "fans" walked up, slurring drunk and half-retarded and started arguing with the protester next to me. I asked him if he was going to the show and he started yelling at me as though I were another protester, telling me it was comedy and if I didn't like it I should just go fucking home. Even my own "fan" didn't know who I was. Even the protesters had to laugh.

I don't understand protesters for the most part. I appreciate having a cause you feel strongly about and wanting to make a difference, as futile as it may be, but coming down to my show where all you'll do is be ridiculed by the people who already disagree with you? How is that helping any woman anywhere in any fashion? If your cause is to help women - go out and actually help women.

The fact is that men - generally - want to fuck women. Because of puritan society, women are made to feel less than admirable for fucking men. They are labelled "sluts" and "whores". So it's far more difficult for men to fuck women. Therefore, they look at women. Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue. Playboy. Coors Light Commercials. Porn.

Juggies.

Girls On Trampolines.

Then fantasize about fucking them. Then they go out and try to fuck you, Ms. Protester. But you won't fuck them, even if you want to. Because you are more than a sex object, you are a person with feelings and emotions and intellect. And you aren't a "whore".

All the signs, protests, legislation and stern looks won't change the fact that guys want to fuck you.

You don't have to look like a Juggie as much as I don't need Abs of Steel. If girls are making themselves yak up their pancakes to look like a Juggie it's because they are dumb cunts and I'd rather fuck a girl with a dumpy ass that I can talk to than a dumb cunt that looks good in hip-huggers. The media doesn't dictate what I find attractive. My dick does. And I have yet to wake up and find my dick thumbing though the latest issue of Vogue or watching the Man Show.

You could all bloat up as big as pigs and you wouldn't find guys switiching to dick. So go protest each other for acting like fucking is some sacred event that should be accompanied by harps playing and eternal devotion and then maybe the backed-up masses wouldn't be stuck home jacking imperfect, small cocks to girls on trampolines.

You are your own enemy and don't even know it.

Here's their site if you'd like to stop by and say hello. Tell em I said hi and don't be too much of a prick.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ISO-Madison-UW/

Other than that, the show was fun, save for I talked too long and aimlessly at times.

The HangDogs came out from New York and played at a club downtown after the show and I hung as long as I could. Check out their music and road schedule at www.hangdogs.com. They're fucking great and out touring now.

The weekend continued to suck in entertaining ways the next night at Ohio University, part of the Comedy Central "No Class" tour with Ed Helms from The Daily Show and Christian Finnegan, noteable as the guy from the Real World spoof on Chappelle's show.

There's a few invariables in comedy and one of them is that college gigs suck. It's one thing to work a college town at a college bar but anything sponsored by the college will suck one way or another. Student activities are for the kids too dumb to get a fake ID or for those who don't find it amusing to watch a frat pledge drink himself into a coma chugging keg beer out of an enema bag and if you don't think thats funny, you probably won't like even the lightest parts of my act.

I did half a dozen colleges in '96 and prayed to the Gods I mock that I would die before it was over. You could be working a cafeteria at 6pm in front of kids who didn't even know there was a show and now you're interrupting their meal. Or you could be in a 1500 seat theater with 22 people in it, most of them the panicking student activities board wondering if this gaffe will follow them through life and ruin their futures. And even in the best of circumstances, the audience is still college students. Acne and premature ejaculation is the extent of their life troubles.

As I've said, you're at an age where your biggest fear in life is getting caught jacking off and I'm at an age that I don't even want to jack off unless someone's watching.

So, says you, if these gigs suck so bad, why do em? Money. College gigs pay ridiculous money. And you think, Sure it'll suck. For 45 minutes. I can handle 45 minutes of blank stares and abject hatred. No problem.

Cut to Ohio University.

Here's a post from my message board from someone in the audience.

From Ohio University's website. --Family-oriented events offered by OU, Athens • University Programming Council welcomes Comedy Central's "No Class" Tour to Athens. Comedians Doug Stanhope, of "The Man Show," Ed Helms, a "Daily Show" correspondent, and Christian Finnegan, a stand-up comic, will share the stage at 8 p.m. at the Templeton-Blackburn Alumni Memorial Auditorium. Audience Member Posting (whoever didn't do their research at OU is going to get shit on so hard...) Holy fucking shit... thats what I was saying to myself tonight. Ok, picture this. Ohio University... Sold Out Comedy Central Show, about 3,000 people... It was 99% Freshman, and it was mom and dad weekend, where mom and dad came to visit their newly released into the college world kids.. It was mom and dad and kid every 3 seats.. I was thinking oh Doug MUST have a clean set, no way he would ever do his regular shit to these fragile people.. I was SOOO very wrong. There was 3 comedians... ED HELMS, from the Daily Show CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN, His most recent thing I knew him from was Dave Chappelle's Show..he was the dude from the "real World" skit that brought his girlfriend home and everyone fucked her.. Funny guy. And DOUG. We'll when Chris went on and the first time he said "fuck" I saw about 50 people's head flinch.. oh yeh, this was going to be brutal. Chris was very funny, but I could tell he held alot in..while not 100% clean, I still think he was censoring himself a bit.. Then Ed came on, he is VERY funny on the Daily Show, his set was good in parts but I think he was either not a frequent stand up, or he just had a off night...but still good stuff.. Doug was GOLD.... his best show I have seen yet, not because he did anything new, but because his balls grew 10 folds today.. HE WAS BRUTAL.. talking shit about college, scaring the parents, he was being as dirty as possible. But then he got into religion.... It was hard to watch, seriously.. it was like watching someone you knew get raped. About 1/3 of the people (about 1000 people) stood up and left, people were yelling, people were screaming.... it was awesome! Parents wanted to leave, the kids begged to stay. After I saw a woman trying to get people to sign a petition to get a refund, security was worried for Doug's safety, religious people were crying.. oh my god, what just happened... We drove back to Columbus, and got wasted at their hotel bar, and talked about everything from cell phone plans to midgets, my lungs hurt from laughing and smoking. Doug was paranoid that he is going to get kicked off the tour from tonight. Anyways, I have some poor quality media - www.redban.com/video/dougou.wmv

Someone from OU responded to this that the actual ticket count was only 1600 and change and that only about 300 walked out. Regardless, anytime you bill me under "Family-oriented events", someone is bound to get hurt or fired. The link posted to the bootlegged video ain't got shit to do with me. So send your attorneys elsewhere.

The good news is I have 5 more of these shows to go over the next 6 weeks. Hopefully word will get out and the "family values" types will stay home. Or maybe I'll get yanked off the tour altogether. Wouldn't be all bad. But they pay really well, and that's the rub.

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Speaking of hell gigs, one thing I have always wanted to do in comedy is to play a prison. If any of you poor pricks are in that industry and know how to set up a gig, let me know. I'm out in the midwest for the most of the next 6-7 weeks and have plenty of off nights to do a free show for kicks.