Lately...

...I have had people call me a fag on Myspace for having a Twitter account and calling me a fag on Facebook for being on Myspace. Nobody calls me anything on Twitter because I don't read anything there.

Louis CK recently dumped both Myspace and Facebook and I have never envied any comedian more than when I read that. I only keep up with them to keep people informed on when I'm coming to town and to put out whatever Ambien-induced nonsense that I think the world can't live without hearing at 3am.

Ultimately, I just want people to come here for updates and simply get on the mailing list for show updates. It'd make life a lot easier but until I'm pretty confident that I have enough access to my audience here, I'll be doing up-keep on all those other dildo sites, none any more or less silly than another.

But I am about finished learning any new sites or any new technology at all for that matter. I am a complete techno-retard and anything I do learn only seems to irritate me for the rest of my days.

For the most part I only text in emergency or yes/no situations.

I have never in my life sent a fax.

If I ever had to photocopy something, I went to where there was someone else I could have do it for me.

I have a Bose sound system for my television. It only gets used if someone is over who knows how to get it to work. I believe there is a button somewhere that I can't seem to find without assistance.

I am my grandmother who couldn't figure out voicemail. I am every hackneyed old comic who talks about these kids and their gadgets today. Take your apps and iPhones and leave me sitting here with my thumb stuck in my oldy-fashioned vibrating latex anus.

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I'll be a Comix in NYC this Thursday, Friday and Saturday, Nov 5-7. After the Thursday show they'll be having some shrink psycho-analyze me on stage. Gimmicky - yes But it still sounds like it could be really entertaining. Spread the word around, New York.

 

Flying in Finland during the European run we noticed that our airplane had no row 13. So I started doing a bit about it that I did for the rest of the tour, only to find out that my opening act (Dag Soras) in Norway the week before Finland had the exact same that he'd been doing for years.

Obviously I dumped it immediately and just putting it out there for the record that he in no way took that from me. If anything, it would appear that I stole it from him. Thankfully he was doing his act entirely in Norwegian so nobody is pointing fingers.

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There were a lot of comics I met over there in Sweden, Norway and Finland and I just wanted to say thanks for the hospitality. I wish I could have hung out more. Keep it weird and keep having fun with it. It's fantastic to see stand-up growing from the ground up as an art-form like it is over there. I'll see you again soon.

~Stanhope

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For Free?

Like I've told you - a lot of people send me free shit and I love it, even when it's just shit. But sometimes it's really fucking cool.

Not long ago I get an email with the following...

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"I work for the manufacturer of the Silver Surfer Vaporizer. I am writing to see if you would be interested in a free one? We don't advertise, instead we just give our vapes away to the comedians, artists, and musicians that we love and let them spread the word for us. So let me know if ur interested. Thanks for your time!"

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As you know, I am not a weed-head. So when I read "vaporizer" - I assume it's some kind of humidifier or medical equipment. How the fuck should I know?

I write back like a smart-fuck...

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"Are you fucking kidding me? I'd LOVE an SSV!

Send it in my Girlfriends name, as she is a sort of imbecile and I can yell at her for spending too much money on things.

Amy Bingaman 212 Van Dyke St Bisbee AZ 85603

I will yell about it from the rooftops when I figure out what it is!

Thanks!

stanhope"

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I imagine the confusion on Bingo's squash when some vaporizing contraption or breathing machine shows up in her name. I never considered why someone would choose me to send commercial samples of such merchandise but I get a lot of emails. I try to make quick work of 'em.

I never again thought of Silver Surfer Vaporizers until Bingo called me in Ireland and told me that someone sent some outrageously high-dollar, hand-crafted, balls-out toking machine. It took me a second to put it together, realize what I retard dildo I am and explain to her where it came from.

This thing is amazing. My (OIL DIFFUSING) friends are all posturing to get it like it's an inheritance - since I don't (DIFFUSE OIL FOR AROMA-THERAPY PURPOSES ONLY). Fuck, it makes me want to start (VAPORIZING EUCALYPTUS OR JUNIPER BERRY.)

If you guys love hanging out doing aroma-therapy behind the Circle K and you're tired of firing up your Ylang Ylang out of a beat-out Coke can with keyholes puched in it - Grow Up and Get a Silver Surfer Vaporizer!

Check that shit out on their site to see what I'm talking about and spread the word!

If nowhere else - at least tell Rogan. He's certainly a man who likes his aromas to arrive first class like this. I'll figure out some kinda goof contest to get a proper home for this aroma-therapy machine amongst you animals soon.

Stay tuned.

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I'm in DC, Baltimore and Philly this week with a quick run in NYC just around the corner - get tickets quick and suggest the show to someone completely inappropriate. I miss seeing that look in the eyes of the ones who didn't know better.

Here's the rest of of 2009... including the just added extra night in Ocean Beach.

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Brian Hennigan - my filthy Scotsman manager/comedy mid-wife - will be booking all the tour dates for 2010. So far I have told him not to book anything until we see how this lottery ticket works out for Saturday night.

We all feel pretty strong about these numbers but it's always best to have a Plan B - and our B-Plan is continuing into my 20th year of bringing misery to the stupid, rallying hate where it is most needed and stealing hope from those who never thought it all though.

Oh, and there will be plenty of uncomfortable fuck jokes. Where would we be without disturbing fuck-funnery? I'm getting kinda tired of having a point anyway. Time to have some fun again.

Oh... so my point is that you can email Brian at stanhopebooking[at]dougstanhope.com about booking 2010. I find when I book it myself I end up routing Albany, St Louis and Birmingham in the same weekend.

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Thanks to you rotten fagtastics for continuing to leak word of all this around your fetid social circles and keeping me in business. 20 years of 300 people in a room and I still think of you like you've been the same group the whole time. We have scraped out a very strange little one-way cul-de-sac niche in the vast world of what other people find entertaining. Glad you made it, let's get a drink. We do die in the end, did I mention?

Keep leaking the word.

~stanhope