Dear Boston Police,

Let me start by sending out a big HOO-RAY for our beloved BoSox! Being born and reared in the Great State of Massachusetts (or TAX-a-chusetts as my Uncle Fuzzy says, lol), I have carried my love of the Red Sox and the great sport of baseball all the way to the Left Coast, where I currently reside and head a Red Sox booster club. You'd be surprised at how many Sox fans are out here! Hoo-ray!

One of our major goals has been to get the gals into the mix and share our love of America's Pastime with them. Sports has been an Old Boys club for too long and there is no better feeling than having your better half cheering right along with you for the Home Team. We've been really successful and now have over 40 women in our group, although maybe we should give most of the credit to that Johnny Damon, if you know what I mean. Lol.

Anyhoo, here's is why I wrote and how I believe you could help us attract and keep ladies involved in the Red Sox and baseball in general. Try to not to shoot them in the face and kill them.

Firing pepper-mace canisters into the heads of cheering ladies and making them dead is a sure-fire way of keeping them away from the game - a game they should be able to enjoy just as much as their loving husbands.

There was a time in our country when the World Series was a time a woman expected to be abandoned by her husband, relegated to the kitchen to make snacks while her man had all the fun. But over time we started to change that by letting our wives feel welcome next to us on the couch, by teaching about the game without talking down to them and by not dressing up in riot gear and blasting them square in the face with concussion grenades so that they die.

Boston has always been as a place that respects its police force as much as we respect the Boys of Summer and we give you kudos for "taking full responsibility" for the recent incident. I was raised the same way. If I were ever in a well-armed and protected militia facing a horde of drunk, happy people that meant me no personal harm and I decided to shoot scattershot and randomly into that crowd, blowing a happy girls noggin off, I would - like you - be a man about it, say "That was my fault" and be done with it. But with all due respect to our heroes in blue (or menacing black helmeted neo-stormtrooper attire, depending on the function), we feel that shooting innocent girls faces off - in the long run - only hurts the game.

I know you can't promise to not kill all jubilant girls in the head but if you could at least show that you'll *try* not to kill and murder them, they'd feel a heck of a lot more comfortable giving a big Major League holler for the Beantown Boys finally getting to the Big Game. Maybe I am seeing this as more of a problem than it really is but you know how post-season jitters can be. I mean, they call it the "Curse of the Bambino", not "The Curse of an innocent, unarmed college chick that was brutally murdered in the eye with a cannon , all in the interest of parked cars and noise ordinances." Lol. Red Sox in five. Douglas Stanhope

Former Red Sox fan, Victoria Snelgrove

I Am Gay

Editor's Note - I am gay. That's right. I, Doug Stanhope, am extraordinarily gay. I am coming out of the closet for the sake of gays everywhere. The fact that I am not gay is insignificant to the fact that I just swore that I am gay. I am as gay as Jesus made me. I believe it's time for other not-gays to have the courage to be gay with me.

 Dear Gays -

If you are from the Washington DC area, you are probably familiar with this story.

Washington, DC bought the Montreal Expos and brought them to your town and now they plan on tearing down the gloryhole district to make room for a stadium. And it seems the gays are up in arms, as you should be.

LISTEN TO ME, GAYS - YOU ARE MISSING THE BIG PIG PICTURE!

Do not fight the team - embrace them with warm leathery bearhugs. That's right, make them feel at home as Americas first gay baseball team, like it or not.

I was once - as a child - a big Oakland Raiders fan. Back in the 1970's. Ken Stabler, Fred Bilitnikoff, Dave Casper, John Matusak, Art Shell, Gene Upshaw - even Ray Guy the punter was worth flicking a small portion of poop of your cock - just to show respect for banging a punt off the rafters at the SuperDome in New Orleans.

But somewhere along the line, gang members and their wanna-be ilk took a liking to the Raiders and ruined it for the rest of us. You can't even go to an Oakland home game without risk of getting stabbed in the neck at the taco stand.

The gang members stole my Raiders. Now it's your turn - our turn - to steal the Expos. You can make the new Washington DC team America's Gay Team.

They will not back down from threats of losing the gay vote in your district. They are not worried about your threats of lawsuits, either - c'mon, you're gay not Jewish. But the threat of 20,000 guys sucking cock in the stands during the 7th inning stretch? Maybe then they'll move to the industrial park.

I'm not joking and I am certainly not mocking. I will be as gay as I can be (save for a bushy moustache) right beside you in the effort. I'll even stay at a YMCA, just to see how fun it is.

We can be the only club in the country who chant "Fuck the Yankees!" and mean it.

Call me when you're ready.

The Vote

If you watched the debates then you are probably like me - a lonely and bitter person who follows the state of the world as a lofty and noble-sounding escape from the tedium of everyday life. Just another sport to armchair quarterback on Tuesday thru Saturday.

You also may have noticed in the debates that we are all about to be fucked, the only differences are slight options in what position you get to be in when you are penetrated by the Iron Sausage. Kerry will give you a soft pillow to arch your ass up while Bush may yank your hair a bit to make it feel a bit more violent and a little less gay.

Here's how America will vote.

Idiots will vote for George W Bush.

Idiots who think they are smart will vote for John Kerry.

I am voting for the Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik. And so would most people if they believe in all the rhetoric they spout about freedom and the "American Way".

Or if they simply knew about him.

Well who is this guy? Did he ever fingerbang his babysitter? Could have. Did he smoke pot? Dunno. Did he go to Vietnam? Who gives a shit. Are his daughters fuckable? Haven't seen a picture.

But his ideas make sense, which seems to be the last thing the voting public care about in an election.

Allow me to cut out some sound bites from his site into short-attention span easy reading for you.

Iraq - The War in Iraq is a failure, and the U.S. government should never have waged it. As your president, one of my first tasks will be to begin the orderly process of bringing our troops home as quickly as can safely be accomplished. First, allow me to dispel a myth. People in the Middle East do not hate us for our freedom. They do not hate us for our lifestyle. They hate us because we have spent many years attempting to force them to emulate our lifestyle. It was because of American troops in Saudi Arabia, lethal sanctions on Iraq, support for states in serious violation of International Law, and siding with Israel in its dispute with the Palestinians to the tune of more than $3 billion per year in taxpayers' funds that terrorist leaders were able to recruit those individuals who caused 3,000 Americans to pay the ultimate price on September 11, 2001. The U.S. government has never succeeded in establishing freedom and democracy in any of its foreign adventures in the last fifty years. Freedom and democracy are blessings any people must establish for themselves. Here at home, war leads to a decline in civil liberties, higher taxes, and wartime economic measures that blur the line between business and state, allowing politically favored corporations to profit at the expense of taxpayers. In short, a libertarian foreign policy is one of national defense, and not international offense. It would protect our country, not police the world. The Draft - Coerced military conscription also known as the draft is perhaps the single most anti-freedom action governments regularly take against their own citizens. If a free America were ever subjected to attack, most Americans would be more than willing to defend themselves, their homes, and their families against the foreign aggressors. The very fact that too few Americans are volunteering to fight the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan illustrates that too few Americans view the actions being taken by our government as integral to the preservation of our freedoms. Economy - Excess regulation and government spending destroy jobs and increase unemployment. Every regulator we fire results in the creation of over 150 new jobs, enough to hire the ex-regulator, the unemployed, and the able-bodied poor. Have you lost your job to downsizing or corporate mergers? Are you fearful that you might? If so, you won't want to vote for the Democrats or Republicans this November. Establishment politicians think that larger, more elaborate government jobs programs are the solution to your problems. However, since these programs must be funded by taking money from the private sector, even more jobs are destroyed-more jobs than the government programs can ever create. More government regulation and spending translate to more unemployment and less wealth creation. Less wealth creation means fewer goods and services, less health care, higher prices. We know how to reverse the process; we've done it before. If you elect me as your president, I promise to downsize government instead of your job! Civil Liberties - The erosion of our civil liberties since 9/11 does not represent a new phenomenon. It represents an acceleration of long-existing trends. As president, my goal will be to to reverse those trends and to restore, respect and enforce the Bill of Rights. In crafting the Bill of Rights, the framers were careful to acknowledge implicitly and explicitly two key truths: The first is that government does not grant rights it acknowledges them. They exist independently of government. They're part of who and what we are. And, as Jefferson noted in the Declaration of Independence, the only legitimate function of government is to secure them. The second is that government is a servant to whom we delegate powers, not a master who dispenses privileges. The Constitution carefully enumerates the powers we, the people, delegate to our government and it specifically denies that government any powers not so delegated. Our rights lie beyond the pale of that delegation. They are sacrosanct. Any government which infringes upon them is engaged in an intolerable usurpation. Crim