I don't know what kind of...

...bathtub Absinthe my audiences have been drinking out of the wheel-wells of their shared-ride vans before shows lately but a few of you are out of fucking control.

The crazies are out like Dawn of the Dead. Those at the Minneapolis show at the Varsity Theater know. Some poor, drunk, dumpy kid hobbled up center stage in the middle of a bit and put a corner of a baggie of blow right on the stool, directly in the spotlight. People have done that with pills and I've taken them so as not to jeopardize their freedom and because I must not have had shit to do the next morning such as catch a 7am flight - a problem that seems to follow every show lately.

But you don't just stand up in front of 450 people and put your coke on display like a jewel on the stage. That's just award-worthy stupid. Go to dark places to trade drugs. Go away from the light. When I tried to immediately shove it back in his hand, he just kept yelling "It's NOT POT!" as though the problem had been that I thought it was a drug I didn't enjoy as opposed to the brazen illegality and risk.

 

Understand, the kid thought he was helping, doing a good deed. He probably still hasn't figured out his boner move and thinks I'm a dick for making fun of him. You try all you can but some folks ain't in the getting-it business. If you're reading this, I appreciate the offer and even know the DVD you were referring to when you told me it wasn't pot. Just try to use more discretion in your daily life. I worry about you.

Shortly afterwards, a chick that was cartoon drunk came and stood right in front of the stage and began doing the licking between her split fingers sign for eating pussy before reaching out for my hand. I instinctively shook it - showing how poor my instincts are - and she tried to pull me off the stage.

I let go and backed up while she tried to crawl onto the stage before being hauled back by a security dude. He walked her a little ways back up the aisle when she broke off, did an end-around through the crowd and tried to get back on the other side of the stage, this time being taken straight out the side door and tossed.

I yelled at one on the Minneapolis Death Squad comics to follow her out and find out her story but he had just walked into the room and hadn't seen it so he didn't know what was going on. I really wanted to know what the fuck her deal was - if she was that drunk or actually mentally disturbed as well, why she was rushing the stage and especially why she kept making the pussy-licking signal. Did she want to eat my pussy? Did she want me to eat her pussy and wasn't a good communicator?

I may never know.

But I did get an email from her.

And it simply said, "Apparently I drank too much" between acts and "all apologeez." So I guess this is same-old, same-old in her day. I may drink on Ambien and write some fucked up garbage on my site or on Myspace that I would write off casually but I've never bumrushed the stage at a full theater and said "goodness, maybe I shouldn't have drank shots."

I haven't emailed her back. I'll wait until I'm drunk on Ambien.

For those of you who may be painting an incorrect picture of what any given live performance is like, keep in mind that the rest of the audience was for the most part completely fucking normal. A few loud-mouths aren't uncommon but this wasn't some giant mosh pit of assholes where a stage-jumper would be the next logical step.

Just folks enjoying a show until the crazy shows up. And sometimes the crazies are the most fun for me, so long as you don't fuck up a bit or annoy those around you. I have to say it can give the show some flavor, at least for me. But then again I know how all the jokes end so I'm not as keen as others to hear 'em.

Lawrence was great, Madison was weird and almost had a guy punched in the face by a hot, tattooed chick and later by most of the dudes within 25 feet of him, Detroit had the usual douches yelling from the balcony and other places and if you had to sit near any of them I truly apologize.

New material is having to be wrenched out of me like cheese dump but it'll come together soon enough - it always does.

In the meantime, eat before you drink and pace yourself with me. I'm usually three beers in when I hit the stage and then start doing a few shots. I've seen some of you fuckers - Daniel in Louisville - last-call drunk before the opening act is even going over his set list before the show.

Oh - and that's another thing - don't you fucking ever yell "Stanhope!" or any other retarded shit at my opening acts. I brought 'em and if you don't like 'em, go smoke a fucking cigarette and come back in ten minutes. If they are on stage, it's because I like 'em and you yelling at 'em just makes me hate you before I've even walked on stage.

Sure, every now and then you'll see someone ahead of me and think that there is no way I could possibly enjoy that act. In that case, rest assured it's because the poor prick earned a spot in some other very important way. Maybe they booked the show and promoted the shit out of it or maybe they saved my life in Vietnam or perhaps they scored us all some blow very discreetly so you don't have to walk up and plunk it on the stage, risking a serious felony so that I can remember the punchlines.

Nashville, Cleveland, New Jersy, New York City, LA, Chicago, Toronto, Portland, Seattle and Kirklandcoming up - get tickets now, take your crazies off their meds and send 'em out. Just get 'em to work on their timing.

~stanhope

Sucking on FoxNews Red Eye

The bar and restaurant that Expedia lists at the Clarion Hotel LaGuardia doesn't exist.

Fuck you, Clarion Hotel.

There, that's my travelogue.

I just did Fox News Red Eye and I sucked. I should remember to never look at the monitors when I do television because I'm always stunned at how fucking stupid I look. If you're watching it in High Definition, you should smear your plasma screen with Vaseline to take some of the sting out of it. Perhaps there is a way to mute the screen and keep the sound, not that hearing me is any good

The call last night to do Opie and Antony came after I was already five cocktails in and I should have thought it through before I said yes. Five cocktails - what I like to call the sweet spot - is beyond the boundary of turning back. Glenn Wool found some Wake-Me-Up about the time the bar tab at the Sheraton hit 350 bucks and we adjourned to the room until 730 in the morning where I had to cover one eye to see. At noon, I woke up in a panic and had to switch hotels.

Needless to say, I didn't make the show. I don't know if they played my message or if it could even be understood. My hands are trembling still and it's hard to type while I swallow an Ambien with a leftover warm beer since the Clarion Hotel LaGuardia bar doesn't exist.

Fuck you, Clarion. It's more than an inconvenience.

Fox News Red Eye is a panel show that goofs on the news of the day which made the hangover that much worse as I was forced to actually watch the news so I'd have something to say. I have some professionalism. But as it turned out, I wasn't going to be talking about the news. It was a straight interview and all my fascinating jokes about the Queen and Mrs Obama as well as hilarious send-ups of Guiding Light going off the air after 200 years were like so much refuse in the gutter.

Preparing well for the wrong thing is almost as bad as not preparing at all, since now that's all that is in your head.

I fucking hate sucking. I forget how tight you have to be on tv, being used to taking however long I like on stage to get to the point. I think I got two jokes out and the last joke about the Man Show got cut off before I could get to the punchline. I want to go back and do it over. I hate warm beer. I am not a Doug Stanhope fan.

This hangover has the kind of staying power that could permanently alter my personality.

CNN is still somehow finding more ways to talk about Queen Elizabeth and the ramifications of Michelle

Obama daring to touch the Royal corpse.

It's depressing to the core of my soul that we live in such dark ages where things like Kings and Queens actually exist outside of amusement parks. Obama should have not simply touched her, she should have rabbit-punched her. Fucking superior blood-line. Fuck you and fuck the Clarion. They will rid that island of royalty once one of them spawns a developmentally disabled kid as heir to the throne. 60 years of the Retard King will learn em. Hard hugs will be protocol all day long.

Greg Gutfeld, the host of the show is truely a good dude. He needs to switch heads with Glenn Beck. Greg has a face that naturally looks angry. If you watched it on mute, you'd think he was yelling about something because his eyebrows naturally cock down and there's a crease on the bridge of his nose that screams vitriol but he's actually telling jokes. Glenn Beck on the other hand tries to be angry and ends up looking like a fat, stupid child. His face should be wearing a chef's hat on the side of a box of eclairs.

Greg Gutfeld		Glenn Beck

I can't wait to get to the stage in Madison tomorrow to get the stink off of me. I have a pretty good average when I'm coming off a loss and Madison and Detroit are great towns for me. And the hotels that I have there are still shitholes but they're advertised as such so there are no surprises.

I did squeeze in an awkward plug disguised as an apology to O&A for no-showing and I hope that we're still good. I also managed a "Baba-Booey Baba Booey! Howard Stern's weiner!" right off the top so both camps have been represented and you can save your partisan emails.

Old men staying up all night with gack and cross-eyed from alcohol shouldn't be called "partying" unless you can look at the tape afterward and see if it was even jovial or if the fun lasted anywhere near as long it hurt afterwards. When VH1 does "Not Really Much of a Celebrity at All Rehab" I will consider it. I wouldn't stop drinking but would try to squeeze in all the jokes I had prepared for tonight and plug other radio shows and people that I am fond of.

Tomorrow is another day.

~stanhope

---

A Little Something to Make You More Paranoid...

This is a news clip about a man detained by TSA simply for having cash.

This has happened to me and it's infuriating.

Remember, this is not Republican or Democrat. Its government out of control and all these random events - like the cop detaining the football player whose mother-in-law was about to die - and a million like em add up to what is to be expected rather than a few bad apples.

Spread this around if you have the type of friends that'll give a fuck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMB6L487LHM

 ~stanhope