Everything Must Go

14 hours of pulling out shit to get rid of and didn't make a dent. All this garbage you hold on to for sentimental value when finding it doesn't even make you vaguely reflective. Things that go to make up a life, those with large closets would say.

Mystery Hole

It's all going. Not only am I having a yard sale, but I will be having a virtual yard sale on eBay as well. This was a suggestion thrown out on the message board and it's a fine idea. Starting June 10th you can buy crap that has been filling up Rubbermaid tubs for years. It's yours. Bid away. The penis pump from the cover of Sicko? Been taking up space since 97. All yours. The jacket from the cover of Something to Take the Edge Off? Aint worn it since. Autographed Ginger Lynn movie and action figure. She gave it to me when I played her retirement bash. Cute then, now just one more thing sitting in boxes waiting to be moved again.

Crates of video tapes I save for posteriety. I dont even know what that word means yet I've kept them. You want a video from 1998 from Loonees in Colorado Springs? Because I'll never watch it. Check eBay on June 10th. You may have to go to the adult section to get the weird stuff. I think I still have the inflatible buttplug somewhere. Makes a great graduation gift. (Sorry, the Rubber Fuck-My-Face got sent packing a long time ago but I still have the rubber vagina. And I'll be selling the autographed Dave Attell DVD just to annoy Dave.)

What do you want? Check back here on the 10th and I'll put up a list of what's on eBay.

In Flux

Six weeks to pull the chute and still no idea where to go. I change my mind four times a minute when I think about it but I don't think about it often. Spending time planning just makes you feel pointless when the shit you never expected throws it all in a new toilet. Some weird shit is going to happen, I can feel it. I just don't know if it's going to be the jackpot or cancer.

Either way, the yard sale has been pushed up to June 10-11 since Hawaii cancelled. They don't wanna go up against Ray Romano. Good thinking. He probably draws quite a few of my walk-outs.

If you'd like to buy some ridiculous shit to further burden your life, come to LA that weekend. I'll post the address the day before. Maybe we'll have a band. We'll definitely have a party. If you buy the bed, you can stay the night on it. Just get it the fuck out before you leave. I hate having stuff. It makes me wonder if someones fucking it up while I'm away trying to have fun.

I'll be doing a couple nights with Attell and Sean Rouse up in Boise, Portland and Seattle June 17-19. Check the link at Attell's site for details.

Thanks to everyone at Caroline's in NYC. You made it harder to hate that shit-mound of a city. And some really cool comics - Mike D, Jay Oakerson. Take care of that Jerry Rocha kid. He's a good dude and a funny prick. They'll rape him in that city if you dont look out for him.

My webguy is supposed to be changing this site so I can just post my updates without having to email them to him. It'll probably take him a month to figure out the technology. If Timothy Leary were alive he'd tell you not to trust anyone over 30 to do your website. I still dont have any audio or video up and I never get around to putting up new pictures but I'm wondering if anyone gives a fuck.

If you have any suggestions for the site - email me. Don't use any language thats even vaguely technical or I will gloss over likeClockwork Orange and delete. I'm only asking cuz I dont know what people want aside from dates and occasional blather. And, no - I won't be putting up new baits anytime soon. It's a long pain in the ass that I unfortunately don't have time for right now.

Hey Chappelle - you're my newest hero since Ricky Williams. Anytime someone tells the guy with the money to eat a dick, my life is more important - it makes us all stronger as a people. Thanks.

Dear Good Comics,

Please make a fucking CD. Every douchebag who has never said anything worth repeating much less recording was a littany of discs to choose from along with his three-color tri-fold presentation package, DVD promo reel and auto-dialer to every booker in the world. You - the great and talented fuck-ups - cant keep a pager in working order much less make a CD. Oh, and get a site website as well. Just so a guy can find your schedule. Please get a CD. They are easy to do. Ask a sober kid from the open mics. He'll help you just so he can use your name in his intro. I get constant emails from people asking where to find better comedy CDs, unkown stuff. And I am forced to rely on my memory which is atrocious at any given moment and at best I can come up with a couple. I'm putting a page together on my site and The Unbookables site just to link CDs that are good and different. So if you do have a CD thats good, let me know about it. If you don't get one. And if you've heard one you like, tell me about it. And if you are stuck featuring for douchebags, get a CD of it anyway. It doesnt have to be an hour. Maybe we can start selling compilations. I dont know, I got no head for business and I dont want a dime of the money. But I know people who can put it together. If your shit is out there, it'll get spread around. And you'll get a draw. And comedy clubs will have to pay attention. And maybe comedy will get less boring. Maybe a brand name will bring back the people who abandoned comedy when it all went Leno on them.