Hello Children!

Welcome to Holiday Season! You're old friend MR Doug is taking a thiiiiiiiiiirty day sobriety break!!! That means he won't be funny again until Christmas Day! Sure, he may update but you'll be able to smell his desperation in between the lines, every word dotted with his need for a cigarette and a beer. Oh well! Countdown to a beer and a smoke! 0 days 0 hours 0 minutes and 0 seconds

So, in the meantime, Mr Doug has a Big Christmas Merch Special! Here's what you get!

CDS - Sicko Something To Take The Edge Off Die Laughing DVDs - Word of Mouth Deadbeat Hero (with bonus audio CD) AND 2 BOOTLEGS!

Full-length audio CD of the XM Show from March, 2005
Full-length DVD of "The Incident in Austin" - the near riot when a certain radio host introduced me and all fuck broke loose.

All this for 69 bucks plus 6 bucks shipping! Order right fucking now!

And if you're on Myspace - send Doug word that you bought the Xmas package and he'll include an added gift just for you! Perhaps something valuable or something that has been in his fanny!

In the meantime, hold tight kids and maybe Mr Doug will make it three more weeks til Christmas without any random loss of life, be it his own or the countless others who have it coming! No condiments but for salt. That's cruel. Most food is just a conduit for the condiment that suits it and is worthless by itself. The potato would be as popular as a rice cake if you had to eat it unmolested.

I woke up in Tampa this morning with the dog...

...on the bed and the girl on the floor, the way God intended it. There were no sheets on the bed but the dog didn't seem to mind anymore than I did. There were no sheets on the floor either but the girl has been off her lithium and comfort for her won't come from mere linens. A terrible state of affairs is the status quo and can be quite a bit of fun or irritating if football is on and you have the balance of your account on the Seahawks. I'm drunk and she's crazy and it's amazing the things we can overlook. How long since I've showered, I can't tell. Where has everyone disappeared to, I guess we'll all catch up someday. At one point it became obvious to me that Bingo was a lesbian. I'm sure it was obvious when I met her and certainly when I ran into her again years later after she'd been released from the institution with her head shorn clean. But recently since we have been what you'd call a couple, I made mention of it.

"You do know you're a lesbian, don't you?" "I never said I wasn't." says she. And on we go. We have bigger fish to gut out here on Earth without fingerfucking about the details. The getaway driver has no time to wonder why the "Check Engine" light is on.

Bingo has been extraordinarily normal for the past month, having been seen by a special specialist that specializes in treating mental illness thru nutrition. This begins with a barrage of hideous testing of every bodily fluid and ends with a diet plan that is so strict that you'd prefer to be out of your mind.

Bingo ate her lithium but traded most of her other meds in for a diet of organic turkey, canned pumpkin, free range eggs and random vegetables. No condiments but for salt. That's cruel. Most food is just a conduit for the condiment that suits it and is worthless by itself. The potato would be as popular as a rice cake if you had to eat it unmolested. A month plus she ate what she was told to eat and she felt somewhat normal, like a normal person who can eat almost nothing and certainly nothing fun. As normal as I would feel without drinking. As normal as you feel working a 40 hour work week. Normal isn't always good. Bingo got tired of living without the insane highs of mania and on Sunday decided to eat things that are fun and leave her lithium in the bag. Sunday became exciting and Bingo ate everything while the Seahawks won back my money that the Eagles pissed away the week before. Chaille worked the grill and Jodi got us beers during football the way God intended and even the dog was happy with scraps and an unmade bed.

Lithium salts such as lithium carbonate (Li2CO3), lithium citrate, and lithium orotate are mood stabilizers used in the treatment of bipolar disorder, since unlike most other mood altering drugs, they counteract both mania and depression. Lithium can also be used to augment other antidepressant drugs. Useful amounts of Lithium for this use are only slightly lower than toxic amounts, so the blood levels of Lithium have to be carefully monitored during such a treatment. More on Lithium here.

Bingo crashed on Monday the way she tends to do but she took her lithium and she's back to good before the Eagles can take the field against the Cowboys. You try to find the formula in it. Try it one way, find the flaw, try to adjust. I'll be quitting everything for a month come Thanksgiving and then I will probably grow tired of being normal and I will probably jump, crash and adjust. It's what we do. Either way, I took the Eagles again in spite of what they did to me last week. I'm hoping they've adjusted as well.

All My Rowdy Friends...

Mat Becker has a birthday today. Who knows how old he'll tell you he turned. I bet there's a 4 at the beginning of it but he'll swear otherwise. Becker and I have runned and gunned for a good 15 years together. Once we were Warriors, us. We still manage to laugh our balls off when we get time to cross each others path. Alaska isn't easy to work into your routing. There is no upside to aging, save for that you stop giving a fuck about the trivial pursuits. The ding in the car door, the stain on your shirt. Who gives a bleeding shit - I have real problems. And the real problems I will see in ten years as pointless. But getting older eats even more of an ass if you don't age like the rest of them. We still live, Becker and I, like we did when we were outcast amateur comics in Phoenix all those years ago. We never settled down. The circumstances change. Becker married the greatest girl in the world, bought a house and keeps a job like the others but if you call him in the middle of the night there's a good chance they are blotto and setting things on fire in the backyard, laughing to scare the moose.

Mat Becker

Becker's age begins with a 4. Here's where the suck comes in - the bar is still young. You get old and the bar is always 23. Your other friends have a baby, they get jobs where they have to put on a suit and strive for status. They get tired. They start to take things "seriously".

They call it settling down when it's usually settling for less. Your social circle begins to shrink. Your old friends have taken permanent residence in Middle America and the bar is still 23. You don't have much to say to them either. 23 is still terrified of what you've grown bored with and people your age are watching CSI and going to bed. I wish I could see Becker more often so we could laugh at all those friends who succumbed to the real world.

I don't want to be young again. I have a hard time accepting that I'm as stupid as I am now, much less what an idiot I was back then. I don't want to be young, I just want people my age to stop being so fucking old. I want to see a room full of people my age full to their throat on Ecstasy and wine, not aware or caring that it's a weeknight. I want you to come out of retirement and be alive again.

You are a professional now, you can't behave like that anymore. You are a cop, a stockholder, a leader, a captain of industry. Even people in my own field who became 'successful" and immediately panicked and started walking the straight 'n narrow out of fear of losing status. You could be using that status to find new and inventive ways of fucking around. You know we're dead at the end of this, right?

And all you cocksuckers who have opted out of the fun because you spilled young into the world - you, who now sits and teaches those same eggheads all the same garbage we rebelled against before you quit and sold in - that sex is dirty and that these certain words are bad and how to behave to appease the masses - that all the drugs we did were bad (although we did fine by 'em) and that education is important (although we taught ourselves) and that it's your duty to vote (although you say all politicians are corrupt) - you are the shittiest of the bunch. You'll only make this world as dull for your kid when he's 38 as it is for me.

If you are reading this and your age begins with a 4 - chances are you are in a position of medium authority. So do me a favor, in honor of Mat Becker's birthday. Fuck something up a little. Tell your kids the truth about at least one thing you've lied about. Steal something. Fuck someone ugly. Skip work and get drunk at noon at a tittie bar. Prank call your higher-ups in the middle of the night and tape it. Remember what a shithead the young you would think you are and change it a little.

Happy Birthday, Becker. We'll break these cocksuckers or die in the effort.

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This mid-life crisis is brought to you by www.MySpace.com, where I have spent far too much valuable time when I could have been out actually doing something. If you're already infected by this internet disease and are as addicted as I am - send the good ones to my page www.myspace.com/dougstanhope as its far more effective than the mailing list.

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I lost my cell phone so if I had your number, I dont have it anymore. That's why I haven't called. I still have the same number on the new phone so gimme a ring. I'm on the road thru Thanksgiving.

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Got word today that comedian Kelly Moran passed away. Sorry all that got blown out of proportion, Kelly. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Kelly was a good guy to me. Weird how it works. ;mso-"eo
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Vixen

And we have a bump and wait. We hooker-proof the room, hiding any valuables and tidying up a bit. We speed-talk about what is to come - my good friend has never come close to getting a hooker and is thrilled at the prospect of a new experience and my horny has left for the prospect of funny. I explain the inherent shame that will come in the morning for spending 400 dollars, no matter what should come of this. She doesn't care. You never care when you do drugs. That's why drugs - alcohol included and most guilty - have a bad name. Not the feeling you get but the lengths you will take it to.

We talk and fret and open more beer. She gets a migraine and I start to trip. She showers and I second-guess. It's 6:15 and I tell her not to talk so loud as Vixen may be walking down the hall any second. It's 6:42 and we begin to think that Vixen isn't showing up. It's 7:15 and we know that Vixen has beaten us out of a story but back into 400 dollars. I'm tripping balls and get into the tub. My great friend goes back to her room and orders more Advil to stop her head from popping off.

It's 9:30 before I give up on beating my cold penis into a corner and go to bed until noon when football starts. Gambling is a different addiction altogether.      ~Stanhope The "good friend" referred to in the above story is not who you think it is. I see where some of you would just assume if you were around that week but you would be wrong. It was no one you have met, seen or heard.