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« Nothing...Except These Ladies | Main | Nebraska, Here I Come »

Doug And His Crazies

Ah, and then the crazies come.

How dull all this would be if it weren't for the insane.

Now I have a Joe Rogan stalker stalking me to get to Joe.

Evidently this crazy had emailed Joe repeatedly and couldn't get a response.

So she decides to email me.

Subject: Please Print This and Tape It To Joe's Door :-)

Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2003 16:05:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: Rebecca *******
Subject: run away with me Joe

I've been chemically attracted to your personality ever since I heard you do a routine about tipping strippers. I'm sure I pissed my pants laughing! WHY CAN"T I MEET A GUY LIKE YOU?!"?!!!

People think I'm from another planet because I'm so blunt, straight forward, and my humor is completely trashy. I'm not..... my humor is. ( I could be, but I'm holding out. ......and out........ and out. ugh)

I'd love to see you do a show but I"m sure now that's far away, since you're on Man. damnit. I really tried to watch you on News Radio, but honestly, I never lasted more than 5 minutes with that show. You were so underused and they sat on you..., it wasn't worth it.

CHECK OUT MY PROFILE on (puhhhlease) It's not the usual "I love to walk on the beach and laugh" bullshit profile. It's meant to scare away the weak and timid, and so far, no one has made it past their intro letter with me.

Now that you're surrounded by hootchie cootchie groupies, does that mean the chances of you getting to know a true blue, creative, playful, smartass, blunt talking, short, feisty, big boobed, nurturing, midwestern valued gal like myself, have been lowered? I think you'd probably need someone like me who can put you in your place if you get too big headed and/or out of control. (k, not like me.......ME)

Feed me some banter Joe............everyone bores me.


I don't really know what she'd fanatsized would come from emailing this to *me*. Maybe she thought I'd sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Joe.

"Joe, I need to talk to you. Sit down, buddy. Listen - I got an email today from one of your fans and ...(long pause and exhale) well, I think you may have really over-looked a great possibility at friendship and - who knows - maybe even *love*. I mean, read it. She's obviously not just like all the others. (Pats Joes back as Joe leans forward, hand on chin, contemplating). Just think about it, Pal. A woman like this doesn't come around every day."

Next, I'm told, she went to Joe's message board and spewed crazy until she was banned.

Then I get this email.



Joe seems to be pissed off for my commenting on his pot smoking and veiws on being able to touch strippers. (kinda a control freak, eh?)

I"ve decided, since you're married, maybe you would have a little empathy for strippers and porno chicks. (not me)

I"m requesting that you read this, and consider making a difference. AND forward it to Joe, since he's being a baby and disabled me on the chat. (oh boo hoo) Hope to see you in Minneapolis. Not sure yet.


Hey Joe

Why not be a mentor and help set up a facility to train job skills to anyone in the porn industry or adult entertainment, who wants help getting out?

You could initiate some sanity in an hopeless industry. That way, those who WANT to stay in, always will, but those who are begging and wanting a real life, could have a chance to get one.

You have access to bring money in from charity benefits and well funded donars. The adult entertainment industry is and always has been, an industry that creates disposable people without hope for ever having a chance to be normal. They all think someday, someone rich will get me out, which is bullshit. I'm saying, let's teach them to plant seeds instead of someone giving them a bowl of rice. (or $20 for drinks, to get drunk enough to go and make $20 more) If there was something like the "Learning Annex" where they could go for classes, funded by benefits and donors, (and themselves) they could have hope for a future, AFTER the porn and hustling. I hope you'll think about it. I know it's not what you and Doug are pushing on your show........cause you're 2 "mens men", who love tits and pussy, but that doesn't mean you can't have another side to you. You'd be changing many many lives for the better. NOW; get ready for my blunt reality for you, and that part that will piss you off. (you can dish it out, but can you take it???)

As for the topic of strip clubs, it is not the public's duty, or responsibility, to give men a venue to orgasm in. Just because some men are bored with their current form of masturbation, doesn't mean society owes them/you, women to service your dick. Talk about blind allegiance. Men's dicks, men's sexual boredom, and men's raging hormonal overloads, are each man's personal problems to deal with on their own. Go look at naked women, but the public does not owe you a brothel, or women to grind on your dick to please you. Tough shit if you can't touch strippers. Arguing the point is beyond asinine.

Dry fucking/humping/rubbing/and begging for money to survive, are not job skills that these hundreds of thousands of women can ever put on an application at any point in their future. But why should you care what happens to them, after you and ten other men, blow your load on a stripper, you're not a part of the problem, right? (and yes, I know it's not ON them, that's not the point)

You could have a positive effect on thousands and thousands of women who are drowning in the cycle of servicing strangers, just to feed their kids and buy medicine and groceries (and many, to drown their despair in booze and drugs) I'm being serious. You could have a huge impact of a very negative part of society and our culture. You wouldn't be anti- strippers or clubs, so it's not like you'd be a hypocrite. But if you were the driving force for offering a way out and a better life for many, by organizing teachers/counselors and life coach's, ..that could also be your legacy.

Beside a blunt, and very funny stand up comic.

And quit being such a fucking baby and disabling me. Not very ballsy of you at all.



Remember, that up until this point, I had never responded to her whatsoever. But if I was gonna get to meet crazy up close and personal, I knew we could get some great videotape out of it. So I emailed her back, telling her that we had more fun at the late shows, but thats usually because we were drunker.

Another email.

Yes, this email is probably unneccessary, may be bored in your hotel so I"m venting before bed.

I'm having to come after work to the late Saturday show, and I"m wondering your vast outtings to comedy I gonna look like a fucking looser if I go there by myself? I haven't done the comedy circut (in Atlanta) since Kinison and Seinfeld and Poundstone.....Tim Allen......okay, so I'm 36, but back them is wasn't a big deal cause I knew everybody in town.

I remember they used to have drink rails everyone sat at. What if I'm a party of ONE at a table for Four??? And I have to drive home so no getting sloshed.


You better be funny you schmuck. :-p

Oh fuck it. I'll go. Have a good week :-D



I knew if I responded, I'd just invite another, even dumber email asking what she should wear or where to park.

Andy and I have the camera ready in the green room and we wait. We linger around between shows assuming that if she's there, she'll come up to me.

Nothing. And nothing after the show, either. We figure anyone who spends that much time stalking celebrities online is probably an agorophobe and never really leaves the house. Oh well.

But as soon as me an Andy get back to the hotel, another email.

Hey Doug. Saw your show Saturday night. Get ready.

I can only liken your routine, to, one of those wild Russian bears who stand next to their trainers on a leash, dressed up in costumes and preforms tricks. (Try to get through this Doug. I paid to see you. ) You know, no matter how cute a couple of the things are, that the bear might do, it doesn't lesson the guilt you feel for watching it. Just as I immediately thought of how cruel the training process was to get the bear to preform "cute tricks", so was guilt I felt for laughing at ....maybe 3 of the things you slurred and stammered out. Most of your "bear routine" was you stopping all speech, to figure out what your brief and passing memory of a thought was. Not only that, but 50% of your "trained studdered comments" were freebies that I already heard on your website, that are at least 2 fucking years old.

Back to the bear. I would refuse to pay the bastard man, who abused the wild bear, it's entire life, to whore it out for money......for doing "cute tricks". Same goes for your agent, your wife who enables you, your manager and anyone else who profits from the abuse you put yourself through, just to perform a few funny, "cute tricks" on stage.

I was not entertained and I LOVE dirty/trashy/ blunt locker room humor. You were just like the beaten down bear who was doing the same 5 things for the thousanth time this year. I danced/stripped Doug. (BUT, in Georgia, lapdances are illegal, and NEVER done. I didn't even see a lapdance until 2 years after I quit. Back to the story) I too had to get to blackout drunkeness stage, every fucking time I walked in the door.........cause I also was confident, that there was no fucking way, I could ever do the job in my normal, sober state. I worked one night, and lived in agony the day after. I had to have food delivered on my recovery days, choked down aspirin and gallons of water.......puked, and had no fucking clue what I had said to anyone or knew how much money I made the night before, didn't remember the cab ride home, or where I had my 5a.m. meals. I lived that life Doug. Seven years does go on and you can make money on your own, without being the bear on a leash............providing money to people who are just pimping you out, without any regard for YOUR well being.

I did it to myself after waking up broke from family mishandling my accounts, and then I refused to settle/live off of anyone...... YOU have people profiting off of your disease.

Seeing you was like watching a 5 year old with a gun to their head, while they repeatedly pull the trigger, knowing theres one bullet in the barrel. You're the walking dead Doug.

Any woman who enables your lifestyle and spends your money, does not truly love you.


Goddammit! She was there the whole time! And angry! What good tape *that* woulda been.


We panic and I email her back that she's the only one who really understands and gave her my cell phone to call if she got it before we left. We figured we could get her to breakfast and videotape her there. But she didn't call and I headed out to Omaha, where I just got this email.

Hi Doug.........I just looked at you schedule, you know, see when you might be sober again and you MUST realize how assinine your schedule is! Geeeeziz Doug. It brings back so many memories of when I danced. I was also shipped out (flown) to different cities, sometimes for months at a time, and I lived in the hotels like a beaten puppet. Drinks at the hotel bar just so I could take the cab into work. I was so fried that I felt like I could smell my organs rotting. Kinda gross but that's where I was.

You're alot like a traveling stripper. You too get hammered to service strangers and don't really give a shit if you're too drunk and blow a couple shows, cuz, fuck it, the next night is a whole new group of people and they'll never know how fucked up you were the night before. I spent holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) dancing at night, for 11 people in the bars in NY.... and living in hotels out of town. It was insane.(p.s......there was NO touching. I get so pissy about that.)

I used to always say, that I could never not drink, or be with anyone who didn't drink, and maybe that's still true. I have about 6 drinks a month and life is a fucking beautiful thing when you live without hangovers and all the body disfunctions that go with drinking like hobo.

Point blank Doug. You're going to end up at the morgue. It's time to figure out a "plan B" and deal with all that goes with your second choice........or maybe it would be your first choice that you never went for. If you'd like to discuss anything, feel free to write. Like the beaten Russian bear, I'd like to see you set free to just be you, whatever that is. (not a whore who's being pimped out by blood sucking parasites.) Be good Rebecca


Oh, the magic we could have shared if only we could have got you in front of the DV cam.

For the record, for those who know me, I do quite a few shows really fucked up, but that wasn't even one of them. Even when I'm completely sober people ask how drunk I am. People see me drinking and assume that if they don't like me, it's the alcohol's fault. No, you just don't like me and you wouldn't like me any more if I was the King of AA. Don't blame the Booze Gods.


Regardless, I'm sure there will me many more nutbags in the numbered days before Death takes me away from the blood-pimps. Just let me know when you're coming and so I can bring the camera. Who knows, I may even be able to set you up on a dream date with Rogan.


UPDATE ON THE UPDATE - I got this shortly after the update went up.

From: Rebecca ******* 
Subject: I appologize 
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2003 11:36:40 -0700 (PDT)

You actually saved all my emails, to plot against me. Oh wow, are you clever.

My private past, posted for the world to see. nice.

I thought it would be a good thing, to start a center for people who are feeling hopeless, who have to abuse the only body they have, just to entertain people who'll never even remember them. (like you)

As for Joe, he's a brilliant comedian, he's healthy, and yes I was an asshole for writting to him. Everyone on his board writes to him so I fell into it. My official appology.

I just went and litterally threw up when I read your board, and I'm sitting here shaking. I'm stunned.

Go ahead and kill the messenger. You were neither clever or funny. It was sad. But if horrifying me, makes you feel better, it shouldn't surprise me. You're not actually the poster boy for making good decisions. I guess you can't make people laugh with anything you can write, or come up with on your own, so humiliating me, can buy you some time, till you think of something funny.

Shall I send you an aerial veiw of where I live and a photo of the car I drive so you can post that too? I'm sorry you missed a chance to also humiliate me in person.

Really, I'm stunned.

I appologize to you, and Joe, and hope you'll consider taking my letters off your site. My last name and email address are not neccessary Doug. Please.

And, I hope that you'll meet people who start caring about you, your health, and not you, the product.

And I replied...


Your last name and email address are not posted on my site. I made sure of that.

As for the rest, in order -

If you think starting a center for porn stars and tittie dancers is a good idea, start one. Why would you email me about it?

I never said you were an asshole for writing Joe. I said you were a crazy for emailing me stuff to give to Joe when Joe wanted nothing to do with you. Thats pathetic.

Sorry for the puking, but you seem like someone who has chucked a few meals on purpose. Why would you even be reading my site if you think I'm so talentless? Maybe ... you're a crazy.

You think I'm unfunny. Lots of people do. But I've been filling the room at Acme for 10 years, no tv show or fame to blame for it. It's clear through your views on tittie dancers and even your perception of my "disease" that you can't separate your experiences from anyone elses. I had a lot of fun at Acme. So did a lot of other people. Some didn't. It aint for everybody. But because *you* didn't, don't assume that no one could have. Just because you were a manically depressed drunkard in the depths of shame, doesn't mean I'm not having fun.

As for your other views on these people who will pimp me out and abuse me, the only people that make this job remotely un-fun are people like you, who seek you out as though your celebrity - whatever level - or their price of admission - gives them some right, or in your case, obligation to seek you out and be of any relationship other than audience member.

I thought that to be worthy of taping, to see what someone like this is actually like up close and personal.

The fact that you have divined all of this speculation about my health, the status of my relationships, the underlying motives of my representation, my inevitable destiny with an early grave as well as the implied notion that I am on stage seeking anything other than a career that's *fun*, that you purport to know this from one 45 minute set, drunk or not, should make you stop and think... "Oh yes, I really *am* crazy!"

Your emails are staying on my site and will remain anonymous save for a first name. If they embarrass you, well, it's just my way of trying to get you to seek help and stop cyber-stalking celebrities. It's not healthy and I worry about you.

Should I still let you know when I'm back in the Twin Cities? Breakfast?



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