Amarillo Comedy Club, Part 1

Last year sometime I did a gig at the Amarillo Comedy Club. If you asked me about it last week, all I would be able to remember clearly is what a racist stupid fuck the owner was. I remember that it was a shitty looking venue in an abandoned downtown area. I know the hotel I was put up in was on the 'dry' side of town, i.e, no liquor. I remember I had started smoking again. But mostly I remember the racist shitpile that ran the joint.

Let me clarify that there are two owners, one being a comic that I knew briefly a long time ago, Kelly Moran, who was a cool guy and the reason I did the gig in the first place. He is not the shitpile to which I refer. He was out of town that week. His brother Kevin, the other owner, was there.

The first night he made references to the "niggers" around those parts. Sensing my immediate disgust he backpeddled, saying he wasn't racist, "thats just the way folks talk around here", as though he'd just picked up the local flavor. I didn't respond and as the weekend went on he talked about "niggers" more than waitresses talked about bad tips while cashing out. Bragged to me that there were no niggers on his line-up and the only nigger he'd had was Jimmie Walker and if he had his way that'd be the last. Nigger, nigger, nigger.

I like the word "nigger". It's the one word left that you can say in a carload of your most vulgar and hardened friends and still give someone the creeps. I use it a lot in circles of people who know I use it for shock value and without hate. Like any word, it's just a sound you can make with your mouth. You may get upset when someone says "cunt". That's because you were trained when you were young to react negatively when you heard that sound come out of your mouth. You are Pavlov's dog, trained to bark at certain sounds. Ruff ruff. It's the intent that is important. This pinhead in Amarillo would still be as vulgar if he'd said he'd never book an African-American in his room. What would the difference be? Fuck, he could call black people "the superior master race" and it wouldn't make it any less racist in context with his views.

So I worked for this guy and didn't say shit, took the low money and went on my way. I ignored his subsequent emails asking me to come back and he finally went thru my agent and booked me for an upcoming week in July. I didn't cancel it immediately though I had no desire to go back. Apparently the contracts went over to my managers and then I get this email from the Amarillo Comedy Club -

Dearest Doug,

First of all we, as a Comedy Club, as people love you. We, as a Comedy Club, as a people want to deal directly with you as a people when it comes to booking you. We don't want to deal with the Jews or your little waste of cum manager either. Your gig, originally scheduled for July 11, 12 and 13th is invalid because of the Jews mostly. They agreed to a certain price over the phone and when receiving the contract it was more money than agreed to over the phone. We want to deal with you and only you.......Comedy Club to performer....NO MIDDLE HEEBS OR CUNTS! We want you back. We want your comedy, we want your personality, we want your love. We want you to walk our customers, we want the world to know about Doug Stanhope. We want you to make all the money. We don't want you to share with dumpy little fucks....I guess that includes everybody that you work with. We hate them. Do not forget.....WE LOVE YOU! Please call us soon. We will work something out with you and only you! With great love and admiration......Amarillo Comedy Club

Feel the love? You'll notice that he used the word "love" four times, one time in CAPS! Yet somehow the love missed me. That's because "love", like "nigger", "heeb" or "cunt" is simply sounds you can make with your mouth. All the words in the world wouldn't get me to go back to that cesspool of comedy.

Or maybe you'd like to go see a show there to support your Aryan brother. If so, that's perfect because I have been told that there is a nigger working there next week. And I bet 100 bucks and a blow job that Kevin Moran tells him he loves him.