Doug And His Protestors

Madison, Wisconsin and the booker tells me -

"You know we're gonna get protested tonite. There's an email going around campus. Feminists."

"Sober up," I tell him. "You barely sold 150 tickets to this show. You ain't gettin' any protesters."

But sure enough, as the light trickle of folks started spilling through the door, a gaggle of 10 or 12 college kids showed up with signs and stood on the sidewalk in front of the theater. They were really calm for protesters, almost complacent. Maybe, like the booker, they were expecting a lot more people.

Regardless, I was thrilled out of my tit. I couldn't imagine ever having protesters, much less for something as dumb as being on a "sexist" cable show. I ran out with my camera to get some shots, expecting them to immediately launch into some verbal barrage.

The signs were pretty weak. "Sexism is so funny... Says the Bigot!" "Keep your jokes of my body!" and the best - "Doug Stanhope is a Dope!"

That was my favorite, in part, because as I started taking pictures with them, I realized they had no clue who I was. I'm laughing and taking pictures of the guy holding a sign saying I'm a dope and he doesn't know that I am that guy. The more I laugh, they more the say that they aren't some big joke, that they are serious and that I shouldn't go see this sexist garbage.

Eventually they caught on and started giving me shit about objectifying women. I tried to argue in a friendly way but their arguments were so far past anything rational that it was pointless. Saying that the Man Show is the sexist equivalent of racist 1930's Amos and Andy shows. That Man Show humor leads to rape. Leads to eating disorders. Leads to these ladies feeling bad for not looking like Juggies. Impossible to do anything but stand there with your mouth hanging open, shaking your head. I hung with them for half an hour or so and we found some mutual grounds we agreed on about other things that suck in the world and, all in all, they were nice enough folks. As misguided as I think they are - I mean, they were barely 20 years old, if that so what can you expect - they were still my first protesters and I wanted to hug them all and buy them beers. Even the ugly chicks.

 

At some point, one of my "fans" walked up, slurring drunk and half-retarded and started arguing with the protester next to me. I asked him if he was going to the show and he started yelling at me as though I were another protester, telling me it was comedy and if I didn't like it I should just go fucking home. Even my own "fan" didn't know who I was. Even the protesters had to laugh.

I don't understand protesters for the most part. I appreciate having a cause you feel strongly about and wanting to make a difference, as futile as it may be, but coming down to my show where all you'll do is be ridiculed by the people who already disagree with you? How is that helping any woman anywhere in any fashion? If your cause is to help women - go out and actually help women.

The fact is that men - generally - want to fuck women. Because of puritan society, women are made to feel less than admirable for fucking men. They are labelled "sluts" and "whores". So it's far more difficult for men to fuck women. Therefore, they look at women. Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue. Playboy. Coors Light Commercials. Porn.

Juggies.

Girls On Trampolines.

Then fantasize about fucking them. Then they go out and try to fuck you, Ms. Protester. But you won't fuck them, even if you want to. Because you are more than a sex object, you are a person with feelings and emotions and intellect. And you aren't a "whore".

All the signs, protests, legislation and stern looks won't change the fact that guys want to fuck you.

You don't have to look like a Juggie as much as I don't need Abs of Steel. If girls are making themselves yak up their pancakes to look like a Juggie it's because they are dumb cunts and I'd rather fuck a girl with a dumpy ass that I can talk to than a dumb cunt that looks good in hip-huggers. The media doesn't dictate what I find attractive. My dick does. And I have yet to wake up and find my dick thumbing though the latest issue of Vogue or watching the Man Show.

You could all bloat up as big as pigs and you wouldn't find guys switiching to dick. So go protest each other for acting like fucking is some sacred event that should be accompanied by harps playing and eternal devotion and then maybe the backed-up masses wouldn't be stuck home jacking imperfect, small cocks to girls on trampolines.

You are your own enemy and don't even know it.

Here's their site if you'd like to stop by and say hello. Tell em I said hi and don't be too much of a prick.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ISO-Madison-UW/

Other than that, the show was fun, save for I talked too long and aimlessly at times.

The HangDogs came out from New York and played at a club downtown after the show and I hung as long as I could. Check out their music and road schedule at www.hangdogs.com. They're fucking great and out touring now.

The weekend continued to suck in entertaining ways the next night at Ohio University, part of the Comedy Central "No Class" tour with Ed Helms from The Daily Show and Christian Finnegan, noteable as the guy from the Real World spoof on Chappelle's show.

There's a few invariables in comedy and one of them is that college gigs suck. It's one thing to work a college town at a college bar but anything sponsored by the college will suck one way or another. Student activities are for the kids too dumb to get a fake ID or for those who don't find it amusing to watch a frat pledge drink himself into a coma chugging keg beer out of an enema bag and if you don't think thats funny, you probably won't like even the lightest parts of my act.

I did half a dozen colleges in '96 and prayed to the Gods I mock that I would die before it was over. You could be working a cafeteria at 6pm in front of kids who didn't even know there was a show and now you're interrupting their meal. Or you could be in a 1500 seat theater with 22 people in it, most of them the panicking student activities board wondering if this gaffe will follow them through life and ruin their futures. And even in the best of circumstances, the audience is still college students. Acne and premature ejaculation is the extent of their life troubles.

As I've said, you're at an age where your biggest fear in life is getting caught jacking off and I'm at an age that I don't even want to jack off unless someone's watching.

So, says you, if these gigs suck so bad, why do em? Money. College gigs pay ridiculous money. And you think, Sure it'll suck. For 45 minutes. I can handle 45 minutes of blank stares and abject hatred. No problem.

Cut to Ohio University.

Here's a post from my message board from someone in the audience.

From Ohio University's website. --Family-oriented events offered by OU, Athens • University Programming Council welcomes Comedy Central's "No Class" Tour to Athens. Comedians Doug Stanhope, of "The Man Show," Ed Helms, a "Daily Show" correspondent, and Christian Finnegan, a stand-up comic, will share the stage at 8 p.m. at the Templeton-Blackburn Alumni Memorial Auditorium. Audience Member Posting (whoever didn't do their research at OU is going to get shit on so hard...) Holy fucking shit... thats what I was saying to myself tonight. Ok, picture this. Ohio University... Sold Out Comedy Central Show, about 3,000 people... It was 99% Freshman, and it was mom and dad weekend, where mom and dad came to visit their newly released into the college world kids.. It was mom and dad and kid every 3 seats.. I was thinking oh Doug MUST have a clean set, no way he would ever do his regular shit to these fragile people.. I was SOOO very wrong. There was 3 comedians... ED HELMS, from the Daily Show CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN, His most recent thing I knew him from was Dave Chappelle's Show..he was the dude from the "real World" skit that brought his girlfriend home and everyone fucked her.. Funny guy. And DOUG. We'll when Chris went on and the first time he said "fuck" I saw about 50 people's head flinch.. oh yeh, this was going to be brutal. Chris was very funny, but I could tell he held alot in..while not 100% clean, I still think he was censoring himself a bit.. Then Ed came on, he is VERY funny on the Daily Show, his set was good in parts but I think he was either not a frequent stand up, or he just had a off night...but still good stuff.. Doug was GOLD.... his best show I have seen yet, not because he did anything new, but because his balls grew 10 folds today.. HE WAS BRUTAL.. talking shit about college, scaring the parents, he was being as dirty as possible. But then he got into religion.... It was hard to watch, seriously.. it was like watching someone you knew get raped. About 1/3 of the people (about 1000 people) stood up and left, people were yelling, people were screaming.... it was awesome! Parents wanted to leave, the kids begged to stay. After I saw a woman trying to get people to sign a petition to get a refund, security was worried for Doug's safety, religious people were crying.. oh my god, what just happened... We drove back to Columbus, and got wasted at their hotel bar, and talked about everything from cell phone plans to midgets, my lungs hurt from laughing and smoking. Doug was paranoid that he is going to get kicked off the tour from tonight. Anyways, I have some poor quality media - www.redban.com/video/dougou.wmv

Someone from OU responded to this that the actual ticket count was only 1600 and change and that only about 300 walked out. Regardless, anytime you bill me under "Family-oriented events", someone is bound to get hurt or fired. The link posted to the bootlegged video ain't got shit to do with me. So send your attorneys elsewhere.

The good news is I have 5 more of these shows to go over the next 6 weeks. Hopefully word will get out and the "family values" types will stay home. Or maybe I'll get yanked off the tour altogether. Wouldn't be all bad. But they pay really well, and that's the rub.

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Speaking of hell gigs, one thing I have always wanted to do in comedy is to play a prison. If any of you poor pricks are in that industry and know how to set up a gig, let me know. I'm out in the midwest for the most of the next 6-7 weeks and have plenty of off nights to do a free show for kicks.

Benefit The Sick

Hey California -

Just to clear up any confusion, the Ariana Huffington event I am performing at tonite is just that - a performance. Although I kinda like her and *some* of her ideas are good, I am fully in support of Libertarian Ned Roscoe.

If you have any doubts, check out www.smokersparty.com .

It's not just about bullshit smoking laws, but about individual freedom all around.

Also, I'll be doing another benefit Monday, September 22 at the Comedy Store in LA. Here's the info.

LAUGHING MATTERS FOR THE SERIOUSLY ILL

The D.E.A. are raiding compassion clubs, arresting and harassing people who sell glassware and pipes, (even Tommy Chong isn’t immune; he just got 9 months in federal prison and a $20,000 fine) and throwing innocent Americans into prison for following State law that allows them the right to medical marijuana.

This is happening even though the D.E.A.’s own top law judge, Francis L. Young ruled in 1988 that “marijuana, in its natural form, is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man.” Visithttp://www.druglibrary.org/olsen/MEDICAL/YOUNG/young.html for the transcript of his final report.

On Monday, September 22nd, 2003, The Comedy Store (8433 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles) is the place to be for a hilarious night of comedy, featuring Doug Stanhope of ‘THE MAN SHOW’ and other very special guests. And I’ll tell you one thing…you haven’t seen live comedy until you’ve seen Doug Stanhope live! He’s that good! No kidding!

Just added to the bill…Kerry Talmage. How many strong headliners do you know who are diabetic, a cancer and heart attack survivor and a kidney transplant recipient? Didn’t think so!

Tickets are $20 and available at the door, cash only or $10, cash only, with a valid NORML membership card or a valid compassion club membership card. (NORML will have a booth selling discounted annual memberships). Proceeds from the event will assist inglewoodwc.org, wamm.org and green-aid.org .

Doors open at 7:00 pm and show time is 8:00 pm. The club maintains a two-drink minimum and as such, the event is 21 years and over.

===== CHECK OUT http://www.greentherapy.com

My Friend, My Mother's Cat and My Next Things

Adam Ostrofsky, who purchased the title of my "best friend", has continued to send me money - 10 here, 20 there, 100 today - and has made the once funny idea of selling my friendship online into what could something very creepy.

I still took the money.

Mother has the one cat Jimmy that has been waiting to die for some time but cant find a clear space on Mother's floor to fall down. Mother took him to a vet last week when she awoke from a deep sleep - induced by the Dollar Store Robitussin she uses to cure throat cancer - to find Jimmy gagging up blood. Turns out he was just choking on a tooth that had rotted out of its moribund head but they did say his terminal state is due to diabetes and failing kidneys. They suggested some type of state-of-the-art life support system or transplant or some such funnyness.

Mother decided that before she put him down, she would bring him to an "alternative" veteranary type. She has asked that I not use the "Doctor's" real name on my site, so I will refer to him as "Dr Valentine", as that is his real name. I'm too wine-drunk to pry my imagination.

Wine is what I drink when I'm not drinking tonite.

Anywhat, Mother brings Jimmy - as well as another kitty named Stanley - to St Valentine for whatever Ouija-Board medicine he has on tap. Stanley has been losing weight, she said and I tried to convince her that Stanley is gone Hollywood.

Mother called this morning and couldn't be happier with the results. The cats are doing great. They are all "calm" and "mellow" and in a whole new space, all because of this wonderful voodooman. I must miss the subtleties in the cats when I stop by to see mother. They always seem to be as calm as any animal trapped in a cluttered fire-hazard one-bedroom apartment could be.

(Editor's note- The phrase "one-bedroom" is misleading. No one has been into Mothers bedroom in years. Mother sleeps on a bunkbed in the front room that I left behind when I moved in 98. She sleeps on the bottom and uses the top for... well, clutter. Excesses of clutter. No one has seen the bedroom door opened since.) The diagnosis?

Seems that Jimmy the Dying Cat was just carrying "guilt" from being trapped in that emaciated body, guilt that he was picking up from Mother. Mother was stopped in her tracks with this show of clairvoyance. It must have been like he could actually crawl into kitty's dying head!

Mother asks in half-joking awe - "Do you do *people*?"

"Of course, I do." says Dr. No-Rape-For-The-Willing.

I'm in 1500 dollars already, Mother. Of course, he takes people. I bet for another 1500 he'll agree to do alternative plumbing or transmission work.

"The reason your engine is tapping is that it's sending you a signal in Morse Code. It's saying 'Have the boy send money!'. You haven't been... revving it, have you?"

Remember that Mother has had her experiences with *alternative* types. Back in Florida she got beat for 2500 clams by a psychic who claimed she'd had a curse put on her. In order to remove the curse, Mother had to tape hundred dollar bills on her body while she slept and then bring them back to the psychic so they could be burned in secret psychic-only ceremonies. After she was in for 2500, the woman vanished. A couple years later, Mother saw her on the evening news. Busted for ripping off stooges. Thank goodness has finally found one of the good apples in the Cat Whisperer.

After all, the proof is in the pudding. The fifteen year-old cats are calm - aren't they???

Mother has an appointment tomorrow for her sinus, chest and back problems.

With a holistic veteranarian. It'll take time, he told her and why wouldn't it. You can't expect overnight results trying to cure 45 years of smoking menthols with tuning forks and aromatherapy as much you can't remove a curse without burning many Ben Franklins.

Only now its my Ben Franklins.

Mother thinks that since I'm on television, we are rich. Mother doesn't realize that if the channel is higher than 11, we aint retiring anytime soon. But Mother sounded so happy - and the cats are feeling less remorseful, who am I to be the buzzkill?

You can no longer purchase my friendship online. But you can send money to buy Voodoo For Mother's Cats. Highest Bidder gets to be my Dad and will get the corpse of the first cat that dies of guilt.

Send money to buy Voodoo For Mother's Cats

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I just got to Memphis and it looks like this could be a good fucking time. A club that books Ron Jeremy, David Cross, Neil Hamburger, Rudy Ray Moore - in Memphis? I'll let you know what happens.

And get your tickets soon for the Madison show September 26th. The Hangdogs will be playing down the road after the show and may even play with me at the Barrymore.

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Hey, Los Angeles - I'm actually doing a show in town. So show up. 
September 17 at Amalfi, 143 N. La Brea Avenue (between Beverly and 1st) 
(323) 938-2504

The third in a series of meet-and-eat events for Arianna Huffington supporters will be held Wednesday night, September 17 at Amalfi in Los Angeles, from 7 to 9 pm. Come join the grassroots excitement surrounding Arianna's surging candidacy, which has received donations from more contributors than the campaigns of Schwarzenegger, Busatmante, and McClintock COMBINED! This meet-and-eat will feature performances by comedian Doug Stanhope. Wedesday, September 17, 2003 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm Amalfi 143 N. La Brea Avenue (between Beverly and 1st) Los Angeles (323) 938-2504 Free admission and free pizza "Everybody gets a slice!" Hosted by Jeff Norman Event info: www.citizenjeff.org Campaign info: www.votearianna.com

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~Doug