Here's What Happened...

I'll make this brief. I used to want to concoct this kind of attention but now it's almost like fish in a barrel.

 

I was on BBC Radio 5 Live with Richard Bacon a few days ago here in London. There is no BBC radio that I know of that resembles any kind of American terrestrial morning radio much less Howard Stern, etc. It all pretty much feels like an even more uptight, humorless version of NPR and I have resigned myself to play along and give boring, toothless interviews without jokes.

 

Richard Bacon seemed to appreciate that I wasn't throwing his career into disarray by forcing parts of my act in where it didn't belong. The problem with doing a straight interview on a station that appeals to the mainstream is that some of the listeners might actually come to your show having no idea what is in store and will be sadly disappointed or butt-hurt. Mr Bacon did his best to warn his people in a very English, passive-aggressive way by using 1000 big words to say I was very offensive.

As an aside, he said that if anyone didn't believe that I'm really that bad, they should find my Sarah Palin bit on YouTube. And then the polite, gentlemanly interview ended.

 

Now we get to a classic case of the blind leading the blind - or in this case the idiots leading the retarded. 

 

The following appeared on the home page of the Down's Syndrome Association of the UK:

 

 

DSA make official complaint following Richard Bacon's Radio 5 Live Show

 

- Friday, 05 August 2011 12:54

 

The Down's Syndrome Association is shocked that a BBC employee has publicised the work of a comedian which is nothing more than a vile offensive rant and conflicts with BBC guidelines which state a responsibility to 'protect the vulnerable and avoid unjustifiable offence'. 

During Richard Bacon's BBC 5 show yesterday afternoon he directed listeners to a video of Doug Stanhope discussing the son of Sarah Palin on YouTube.

 

The child was born with Down's syndrome and Mr Stanhope's comments about him were abhorrent.

 

As a public body the BBC should not be promoting the work of such an individual. Therefore the Down's Syndrome Association has logged an official complaint with the BBC.  We encourage everyone to do to the same using the link below -   

 

 https://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/forms/ 

 

Well, guess what, fuck-mouth? I encourage my fans to contact that same link as well. 

 

If I were to dissect that piece of comedy, I could make very defensible points; that I was actually making satire of the personal attacks in political campaigns, or commenting on the attempts by some Republicans to bring god into politics, or any number of lesser arguments but the truth is that it was just flat-out shock humor meant to appeal to the most base part of my own personal sense of awful humor.

 

That is the same sense of humor that Richard Bacon repeatedly warned you about for your own good. Yet you still sought out the clip? Imagine if Richard Bacon had actress Sasha Grey as a guest, someone who is known for her cross-over from pornography. He warns the audience over and over that some of her x-rated work would be upsetting. You race to your computer to watch, then blame Mr Bacon and implore folks to file complaints saying that Richard Bacon was "directing" you to do so?

 

Do you see why you suck shit? You see why you are far more deserving of the moniker "retarded?"

I don't care if you come after me for things that I've said. You can obviously see that I don't give a fuck. Going after a presenter and the network for having a guest who once said something years ago that was vaguely alluded to? You are a cabal of cowards and self-important dim-wits and the authorities who you run to for muscle should be the same people that deem you unfit to care for those you purport to be defending.

 

In short, you are not fit to protect the retarded.

 

Oh... and go fuck yourself in the head. I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Performing at Litla-Hraun Prison in Iceland

 

September 25th at 6pm, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Litla-Hraun

I've finally landed a gig in Iceland where I've always wanted to go. Bingo and I planned a trip over at the end of September and the Mayor of Reykjavik, comedian Jon Gnarr, is hooking me up with a gig playing at the only maximum security prison in the country. I didn't want to confuse a short vacation with the headaches of a gig but playing a prison is something I've always wanted to do and a prison in Iceland makes it ten-fold the fun.

So, if you're in Iceland and want to go to the show, you have a couple of months to get convicted of something and then you'll be able to see me absolutely free. And don't bother waiting for next time.

Here's the deal. I will only ever play Iceland at the prison. I want to create what will be commonly known as the "Doug Stanhope defense" where defendants claim that they only committed the crime in order to get into my show. That would amuse the shit out of me. I have very little ego about all the trappings of this silly life but a few things still make me smile.

About five or six people that I know of now have either my name, face, a cartoon of me or my autograph tattooed on them. That is endlessly funny to me. I have a standing request when anyone I know tells me they are pregnant - that if the baby is horrifically deformed to the point it could get freak show work, they have to name it Doug Stanhope. That hasn't happened yet.

But if you get sent to prison in Iceland just to see my show at the end of September, I will tattoo your name on my weathered body somewhere. Cuz that would be funny as shit. 

For Someone Else's Benefit

Maybe you read about the grotesque umbilical hernia that was growing ever larger and disgusting from my gut last year. I offered a Free CD or DVD to any surgeon who might like to do some complimentary surgery.

And who'd have fucking guessed that yes, indeed - Doctors do come to my shows. Just so happened that a couple we'd met on the road happen to be anesthesiologists and live right up in Tucson. They emailed me post-haste after the update and offered their services. Anesthesia is 99 percent of the game - so long as I'm unconscious, I could have my dry-cleaner do the alterations. But they had a surgeon friend that was game and waived her fee as well.

Yes. It was a chick doctor. A hot Japanese chick surgeon with ropey arms who probably mountain bikes and didn't laugh at my examination room jokes and could have been 28 or 70 the way Asian women tend to go.

My immediate concern was that this might change my ingrained hatred of women and Asians. Like the movie where a Klansman gets the kidney transplant that saves his life from an carefree negro and learns a lesson. Would this surgery make me finally see the weaker sex and the yellow plague of the Rising Sun as equals?

Okay, I don't actually harbor animosity towards ladies or Japaniards but I do think racism and sexism are hilarious and certainly didn't want to lose that to some random act of kindness on her part.

And kindness it was. After my initial visit where you get asked a lot of questions and you tell a lot of lies - it's funny how you lie and say you drink about 20 drinks a week and their jaw drops like that's a lot - I asked her what this would normally cost for a cash paying customer. She said she didn't know exactly but estimated between 8 to 15 thousand dollars. 

This made it very awkward in how the fuck I was supposed to say "Thank You." Not really enough to mail a Red Lobster gift certificate.

So I told the doctors that in return I'd do a benefit show in Tucson for whatever cause they were behind. They discussed it and fortunately they don't like people as much as I don't and decided that it was best to do this for animals, something even my diseased fan-base can get behind.

So on Saturday, December 10th we'll be doing a benefit for the Humane Society at the Rialto in Tucson for my last show of the year. We're not going to be able to fit Phoenix in this year so drag your asses down and join the party. I'm gonna fill the bill with the funniest people I know that will still talk to me and we're going to tear the fucking place down in the name of sad puppies and surgeons and homeless kittens and a belly-button that no longer looks like a cocktail weenie blowing out of my stomach like a turkey timer.

I'm envisioning me tossing stray animals into the crowd from the stage and letting people drink shots out of my new sweaty navel. I want to do a Humane Society benefit that gets protested by PETA. 

Regardless, thanks, docs, for the surgery and the incredible results. I'll post pics of it spilling over a pair of Daisy Dukes with the top button undone as soon as we've pre-sold at least half of the show.

There's your incentive. Now get your tickets and spread the word.

*****************************

I'll be on the "Eddie" episode of the 2nd season of "Louie" on FX. I'm "Eddie." A whole epsiode of me acting. What a treat! If Louis CK can save that, he can do anything. The season has started and mine will air sometime in August. DVR it, queer-holes. 

I had to cancel Dallas and Houston last minute to do the filming and I appreciate you understanding.  If it was anything other than Louie's show I dont think you'd have been so kind. I've rescheduled both and tix are on my schedule.

Also, on July 28th I'm on "The Green Room with Paul Provenza" on Showtime. If you haven't seen the show - find it. It's one of the only shows about stand-up that I've ever liked - and I fucking love it. Check out last season with Patrice O'Neal and Roseanne and you'll see why it's brilliant.

My episode is with Dave Attell, Glenn Wool, Janeane Garofalo and Richard Belzer. Depending on how they edit it down, I may have to update again to defend a bit of a tiff I shouldn't have started but was completely right about. Either way, best to put Vaseline on your tv where my face is to make it more palatable. Hi-def doesn't work for everybody.

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