Shortly after 9/11, I wrote an update with an "Al Qaeda Wish-List" - the premise being not that I WANTED terrorists to blow shit up but if they HAD to blow shit, here was a list of good places to start.
In it, I wrote "Al Qaida really needs a suggestion box. I’d love to hear the public outcry if they put out a serious, red-level alert that IRS offices were going to be nuked. Or, the DMV. Or, whoever made those Geico/Gecco commercials."
The list included targets like David Blaine, Clear Channel, People Who Sue To Compensate for Dead Relatives, Jim Rome and others.
I started to write an updated list for the new decade but was overtaken by Ambien before I finished it. And today, before I could get back to it, I heard about Joseph Stack flying his plane into an IRS building in Austin, TX.
I wondered if David Blaine and Jim Rome were okay or if maybe he'd taken them out on his way to the airport. I wondered how many times he'd listened to my albums in a row before mustering the stomach. I wondered if he plugged my website in his suicide note. But no, his band wasn't even amongst my Myspace friends. So much for being an influence.
That's fine.
Again, I am not encouraging anyone to blow things up or fly planes into things or anything of the sort. I am simply aware that such people exist and if you are going to senselessly end your life in such a manner, it would be a pity to do it to innocent co-workers at the meat-packing house that fired you or some embassy in a third world when there's so many better places to let yourself be heard.
Here's a few in no order of importance.
1. Tim Tebow
I don't follow college ball but this cunt is evidently some vaguely rated quarterback coming into this year's NFL draft out of Florida. All I know is he is a flaming Christ-head who did an anti-abortion commercial in the middle of the fucking Superbowl.
We finally are rid of Kurt Warner and his praising Jesus instead of Fitzgerald or Boldin or Beanie Wells only to have him quickly replaced by the Pro-Life squealings of some mediocre, daft college douche destined to disappoint some team that I used to like until they drafted him.
Fuck you, you dunce-cap fraternity stain. I hope you get drafted by Port-Au-Prince.
2. Photo-Enforced Red Lights
And photo-enforced speed zones and any other Big Brother shit like that. I am always saddened when I see piss-poor graffiti on businesses and public walls when kids could just as easily spray-paint the lenses of these mechanical thieves.
Every other deer-crossing sign in rural areas is littered with bullet holes from bored youth yet the photo speed-trap remains unmolested. If your kid is a prick and a vandal, get him a paintball gun and point him in the right direction. It's your job as a parent.
3. Airport Security
If terrorists would focus not on airplanes but on airport security, then the gov't would either get rid of airport security or create airport security security that you would have to go through before you went through airport security. Then the terrorists would go after airport security security until they had airport security security security. And so on until they finally admitted that airport security doesn't do shit.
Like I said before, you can't keep weapons out of prisons and in prison they look in your ass. Stop your nonsense.
4. Whoever Puts Shit on DVDs That You Can't Fast-Forward Through.
I just bought the box sets of The Wire and the beginning of each season has a run-on trailer for other HBO shows that you cannot fast-forward through. I paid for this yet I am forced to watch advertisements for other shows that either I don't wanna watch or that broke my heart (Deadwood, which ended on a cliff-hanger only to be cancelled - forcing me to actually go to Deadwood, SD to see how it ends. It ends as a goofball tourist destination where nobody is named Swearengen.)
The only DVD you can get that allows you to skip the Piracy Warning is a pirated DVD and I highly recommend that.
5. FreeCreditReport.com
I have wished this guy dead (the guy from the commercial, that is) with such passion that I have actually tracked him down on the internet so my daydream would have some graphic detail.
His name is Eric Violette and he lives in Montreal. And Canada is crawling with Al Qaeda.
Not only are the songs the absolute most annoying, stick-in-your-head-to-insanity levels but they don't make any sense at all if you break them down - which I do instead of playing with my dogs or telling my girlfriend that I love her.
Here's one for instance. Yes, I am aware that I am without question the shitbean for taking it this far. Fuck you.)
Well I was shoppin' for a new car, which one's me?
A cool Convertible or an SUV?
Too bad I didn't know my credit was whack,
Cuz' now I'm drivin' off the lot in a used Subcompact.
F-R-E-E that spells free,
Credit report dot com baby.
Saw their ads on my T.V.
Thought about going, but was too lazy.
Now instead of lookin' fly & rollin' phat,
My legs are sticking to the vinyl and my posse's gettin' laughed at.
F-R-E-E that spells free,
Credit report dot com baby.
Okay. So you went looking for a car but you didn't know your credit was "whack" so you had to get a shitty car. But if you went to FreeCreditReport.com, they could have told you - for a fee - that you had shitty credit. So you'd still have to get a shitty car. So your company is pointless and you need to lose your hands and face to an IED. Or, I do.
6. Donovan Dodge in Sierra Vista, AZ
I should just say Mazda in general but I'm sure other car companies are pulling the same shenanigans so let's just go with the specific fucks who I bought mine from. I have a 2006 Mazda mini-van and not just to abduct children and blind them with chemicals. Shortly after I bought it, I went in to get an extra key. I have a 2002 Mazda as well which I love and also purchased spare keys for - a drunk loses stuff and extra keys are important. The spare keys for the 2002 cost about $1.29.
The dealership told be that the spare key for the 2006 would be around 300 dollars, much of that for labor. You see they cant just make a regular old hardware store key. This is a special security key that needs to be programmed my a computer specialist. It will only start with this special key.
This secures my Mazda against auto theft how, exactly? I see. If a car thief broke into my home, stole my special $300 key, went out and made a $1.29 copy and THEN tried to steal my car with it, he would fail miserably! Imagine him sitting there, after breaking back into my house to replace the original, unable to start my car. Egg on your face, car-jacker!
Yesterday my engine light went on - at 50-some thousand miles. I brought it to my local mechanic who said that he couldn't do a computer diagnoses because it was some special shit that only the dealer can do. I called the dealer with all the manners that you can imagine. Indeed I would have to bring it there. Why do you sell me a car that nobody else can fix? Of course - because they have special computers that I get the best blah blah blah fucking-horseshit.
Just writing this makes me want to get a pilot's licence. Unfortunately, you can't find Mr. Mazda as easily as the touch-hole from the FreeCredit commercials.
7. Wasps
A wasp stung me in the knuckle today and I want all insects dead. First, we find the family of the wasp and pull off their wings. Send a brutal message. Then we kill a yellowjacket and leave it in a wasp's nest, starting a war between the rival sets of bees.
It goes on from there.
8. Dr. Drew
"Celebrity Rehab" is like doing Home Makeovers For The Rich and Famous. It's hard to feel sympathy for 'em. That doesn't make Dr. Drew Pinsky any less of a fraud. I know I've complained about him plenty here and everywhere. But I can't stop hating him and watching him and hating him and watching some more.
I have called around randomly to different rehabs and detoxes and none of them think it's a good idea to do a television show while you're going through violent withdrawal. None of them think it's a good idea to be re-united at rehab with an ex who went to prison for beating you half to death. They didn't think motor-boating with Gary Busey - or any other insane person behind the wheel for that matter - should be part of addiction therapy.
You suck the most and you are beyond an awful, human carpet-bagger. You are criminal and should be defrocked of whatever credentials you hold and jailed. You really fucking suck. And stay away from Artie Lange, you fucking parasite.
9. TMZ
I watched about 15 minutes of this show and became agitated to a state of pant-shitting fury. No need for paparazzi, TMZ just takes any cellphone footage from common Joe-douchebags harassing celebrities until the celebrity gets pissed and then talks about what a dick the celebrity is for getting bothered. This wouldn't upset me so much if they weren't credited by the supposed-legitimate media for so many "breaking news" stories.
It's the same as if your nosey, Gladys Kravitz neighbor who watches you come and go from between her curtains was suddenly acclaimed as an investigative reporter when she gossips about you at the coffee shop.
Yes, the fault does lay with bankrupt masses that actually give a fuck what Justin Timberlake is carrying in his back-pack on the way to the gym as much as the sponge-dick following him with the iPhone. But, if I had an Al Qaeda Wish-List that just said "Everybody" it wouldn't kill as much time. And killing time is important.
10. Me
Haven't we heard me moan and shit for long enough? I have to be the biggest hypocrite I have ever had the displeasure of being. The FreeCredit guy? Really? When I was the retard on Girls Gone Wild commercials for so very, very long? I still want me dead for those days. Complaining about my cars and box set DVDs that I buy while I get fatter and more useless each and every day? Poor fucking me.
Go ahead and fly a plane into my house. I had it painted all sots of kooky colors and put the pictures on the internet because I'm bored. Gas up the jet and find it on Google Earth. What do you need, a picture of Allah? Or is it Muhammed? Here's a picture to help you get started.
Isn't that enough? Come on, wash the sand out of your ass and ears and let's get this shit over with. I'm boring myself to tears. I am everything that you and I both hate about America. I am a glutton and a sloth with a wayward moral compass and little regard for the world or my fellow man.
And I have a Sacramento date coming up pretty soon. So do us both a favor.
I have omitted obvious boobs and vomit-piles who would otherwise fill any top ten death-wish lists. Glenn Beck, Nancy Grace, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, Jonas Brothers, etc don't need pointing out.
And I didn't double-up on the IRS. They are some evil motherfuckers and there's obvious reasons for not piling on. I'll save that for the live shows. The only folk I know that beat the IRS are Scientology. Google that story and see just how fucking ruthless Scientologists are. It'd be almost admirable how they did it except they are still Scientologists. It'd be like admiring AIDS for how it killed your crab lice.
There are people on this planet who for whatever reason need to kill other random people to make a point, to settle grievances, to be seen and heard or to further their cause.
Hopefully you find another way and you find peace and happiness and filet-o-fish sandwiches that make you fullfilled so nobody has to die.
But if you are one of those people and nothing can stop you, please - for the sake of all of us - be creative.
~Stanhope