Happy New Year. It's the first year of the end of your life.
Saturday, January 6, 2007 at 12:38PM
Doug Stanhope

I've been cramming for the exam for our 2008 presidential bid. All the boring parts, which encompasses nearly all of politics. In four days I'll be moving to Austin. I haven't given a minutes thought to the logistics of it, where I'll end up or other petty details because I'm reading up on laissez-faire economics and other thrilling subjects.

No wonder nobody pays attention to politics.

These are the things that made me quit school. But I owe it to the American people, if not to lead them to providence then simply to shit on their parade of dull assimilation.

Or, at least to make the whole process interesting. Sure, a presidential election isn't 'Dancing with Emmitt Smith' [PIC] but you'd think you'd have a stab at being equally entertaining.


Meanwhile, as I try to smear knowledge on my brain like intellectual Neosporin, Bingo found a puppy.

The puppy has chewed up and destroyed my Bose headphones, my telephone, a hundred socks or other articles of necessity and my love of dogs.

But it makes Bingo happy.


While I was in Costa Rica last week, Bingo brought the dog to the veterinarian for what she believed was a serious problem. A discolored swelling in the ... a seemingly unnatural growth... she was sure it needed to be checked out

It was a boner.

Bingo took the puppy to the vet because it had a boner.

But the puppy makes her happy and that's all that counts. What does a girl called Bingo name a puppy? Ichabod. I suggested Tuburcules! (spelled with the exclamation point, my least favorite punctuation that, while sometimes necessary makes everything look gay) but it was rejected in favor of Ichabod.



Bingo brings the puppy to an obedience trainer who for 250 dollars - a mere quarter of a thousand bucks - will show you the long way to teach a dog what a rolled up newspaper and a fancy shoe in the toilet-hole does for free.



I will never understand people who complain about being or being products of single parents. If I ever had to raise a child while faced with an equally obligated but oppositely inclined co-parent, I would end up beating them both into assisted-living.

And between the girl and the dog, I don't know who's in greater need of supervision.

Maybe if I drank less, Bingo wouldn't be so shocked by an erection that she rushes for medical aid at the sight of one.


First, Ichabod and neighbor dog "Bronx" (not his real name) engage in heavy petting.


Next, the smaller Ichabod goes low to lick him into a full state of arousal.

Now Ichabod uses a tongue-bath to heavily lubricate the neighbor dogs cock and asshole (legal in Arizona).


In this photo we see Ichabod mount Bronx with seemingly no regard for intimacy
(see George Michael).

Howling, God-mocking orgasms ensue!


Finally, the spent sodomite Ichabod drifts into a slumber on his gay lovers back.

These scenes are printed here not to stimulate but solely as a warning.

On note of my penis [See Nov. 28, 2006 UPDATE below], thank you for all of your reassuring emails regarding my "problem". It all cleared up and all that remains are the deep psychological scars that drive me out of sleep screaming and pouring draft-beer sweats.

Recommended Reading -

I can always read in Costa Rica. No phones, internet, television or puppies being trained. Just beer and books.

So I will highly recommend "The Franklin Cover-Up" by John DeCamp". So far as conspiracy theories go, it's as fucked-up, scary and refreshingly unique as anything in the genre. And it's still going on.

I also - on a recommendation - started The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich by William Shirer. 1,100 pages equals about two weeks in Costa Rica for me. I was only there for one. The next 600 pages will take 8 months. I wish History Channel went in chronological order and I could get this over with.

In the meanwhile, don't tell me how it ends.

The team is forming for the 2008 presidential run. It's coming together strong. If I die of liver failure between now and then, it was the CIA, no doubt.

The site will be up with actual content in January. And from there, we will slowly start ripping into this like rats on a babies toes. Get in on it. We will need all the help we can get.

Jump on the message board while you're supposed to be looking at porn at work. Don't let the gloomy malcontents that occupy it queer you off. They're there to weed out the weak. And get on the Myspace. Yes, you think it's faggy but science has proven that you can get psychotic pussy there and it also gets people to my shows without having to milk the prostates of comedy club overlords.

So get on it. www.stanhope2008.com

Today on Headline News, the NYC Health Commandant was justifying banning trans-fat in New York restaurants by saying "It's government's job to make sure that people live safe, healthy long lives."

It's come to a point where making jokes about it isn't enough. It's either run for office, stockpile weapons or bail to Costa Rica. The last option I'll consider in 2009. At least I'll be able to finish my book.

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