Doug Stanhope - Stand-Up Comedian

Nina Hartley came over the afternoon of the AVN awards and told me good luck, have fun. Then she told me to stay away from sex jokes - that although you'd think they'd work in this audience, they won't.

Talk about a pre-show head-fuck. Like telling her before her first porn shoot "Have fun, be yourself. Just don't take off your clothes."

Turns out I could have read baking tips off a Ritz cracker box or blown my head off and no one would have noticed. Porn stars would have stood on my corpse, blood and spoiled dreams leaking from my skull, and tearfully accepted their award for Best Pre-Shoot Enema Blooper or Best Hung Tranny in a Prison Rape Scene.

I knew a painful death was coming but there is really no way to prepare for it. Like my upcoming vasectomy, which is now scheduled for January 27th, the day after the SuperBowl. Let's hope he doesn't drink like I do. But I digress.

Chloe, my co-host, was fucking great and really cool to hang with. Other than that, most of the porn stars avoided me - save for Seymour Butts.

Seymour Butts won my award for Coolest Porn Star Going Out Of His Way To Talk To The Comic Who's Been Eating His Own Dick On Stage All Night. Backstage, he was getting ready to go up to present an award while at the same time filming some reality show for Showtime. He came over to say good job and what-not and said that it was really fucked up that during my set they had been putting different porn chicks in the audience pulling out their tits up on the many huge screens in the showroom.

Thanks for noticing.

I didn't know it while I was on stage, since the screens all faced away from me halfway down a ballroom of some 3500 people. I guess I wouldn't have been listening either.

By the time they announced the Best Film (The Fashionistas - highly recommended), most of the people were gone. They call this the Oscars of the porn industry but it isn't. I'd love it if the Oscars were like this. If Gwenyth Paltrow won best supporting actress and then just got up with her whole party and left immediately afterwards - honest in the fact that she could give six fucks about anyone else, then they could call themselves the AVN's of mainstream.

Dave Attell was filming Insomniac across the hall at the shithole C2K after-party and we tried to do a segment but I doubt you could hear a word of it over the din of dance music and wall-to-wall thumping ego. By the time my wife and freinds pushed their way in, I had to get the fuck out.

I don't like any situation where someone's status-of-the-moment is their ticket in. My friends from Alaska were standing at the rail offering any lie or cash option to get into this shithole C2K and getting shut down while the manager told the meat-fuck door man that I was "obviously OK" to waltz in. Think if I go back next week and say that I'm the host from the AVN's that I'll be let under the rope? Fuck them. Fuck the shithole Venetian and the shithole C2K.

I'm repeating shithole Venetian Hotel Las Vegas and shithole C2K because they are both shitholes and I'm hoping it increases the odds of that coming up on any google search of their names. If you stay in Vegas, Don't stay at shithole rigged machines overpriced baby rape cancer causing Venetion Hotel Casino Las Vegas or club at any shithole AIDS-related terrorist wholesale burn victim bowel affliction smallpox C2K

Stay off the strip - like the Plaza or any of the Station casinos.

All in all, it was a great time. Unfortunately I was too fried afterwards and had too many of my own friends and family to hang with to go delving into porn-party evil. When people travel that far to see you just to get the door shut in their face, I'd rather be outside the door with them.

Buy my stuff. Or buy my friendship by simply sending me money via Pay Pal. C'mon, I'm going to Belize tomorrow with my wife and the Becker's. I need money. C'mon, seriously. A lot of money. That's all I need.

Pete Townsend jokes seem easy right now but remember that "child porn" is a buzzword for "guilty" anymore. My friend, who has a cunt wife, was going to get a Tracy Lords tape on eBay and I hammered him not to because all she'd have to do is find it and tell a judge that he had "child porn" and he's automatically guilty, regardless of the details.

"Child porn" is a used as a buzz-word to get all porn taken away the same way "partial-birth abortion" is used to set precedent to eliminate all abortion.

Even if Pete really was whacking off to a 2 year old speared ass-wise on an old man's dick, the kid's not in therapy because of Pete Townsend. I go to rotten.com and look at murder pictures all day but that doesn't make me a murderer or potential murderer. If anything, it makes me wear a seatbelt.

Thought Police, Thought Police...

You've all seen the news footage of the Cookeville, TN police shooting a happy puppy in the face. If you haven't - google search it.

If you watch the video and photo-shop the heads between dog and cop - you can jack off to it.

I've been calling the rat fuck titbag horse-blowing laugh when they get shot in the face pig shit Cookeville Police at 931.526.2125 and asking them an array of questions.

"My dog just walked in on me masturbating. Is it ok to shoot him in the head?"

"The neighbor's dog just brought a tennis ball towards me in a threatening manner. What's a good caliber to make his brains splatter like melon under a truck tire?"

"I'm from the Johnson City Babtist Churh and we're having a prayer session for that poor officer who shot that evil puppy and we'd like to have you pray with us. Dear Jesus. Please make Officer Eric Hall's children choke to death on their Christmas presents."

Am I suggesting you should do the same?

Yes.

Email here -http://www.cookevillepolice.com

Or send a postcard to

Cookeville Police Department
Public Safety Building
10 E. Broad Street
Cookeville, TN 38501